Yet Another Confessional
by Never Draven
Summary: This is a metafic of both Ikonopeiston's 'The Confessional' and The RyRy's 'Another Confessional'. It's a journal style fic of Baralai's days as a Crimson Squad member.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there was a fic by Ikonopeiston entitled _The Confessional_ which told Nooj's experiences as he went through Crimson Squad Training. This was so wonderful that it inspired another writer, The RyRy, to author another fic, _Another Confessional_ which documented Gippal's experiences in that same time. Both writings were so good that they inspired me to write a meta of a meta-fic in which Baralai's perspective is told. So, here you will find Baralai's experiences as he moves from his life in Bevelle to the life of a Crimson Squad trainee as written by his own hand.

As the others have noted, the dates at the beginnings of the various entries into this journal are to be read as: year of the current Sin, month, day. So 197S9.8.42 is – the forty-second day of the eighth month of the ninth year of the one hundred ninety seventh mythical incarnation of Sin. (This is a system developed by Ikonopeiston, rewritten out by Ry, and copied here by me. I have nothing to do with it.)

PART ONE:

I really do not know what to do!

The Crusaders have informed me that I am not welcome to join, but I'm not nearly as surprised by this as I should be. I can fully understand that they would not wish to have one such as me in their ranks as I am now as low as the other heathens; I had merely hoped that I would have this chance to atone, even slightly, for what I have done. Perhaps forgiveness is entirely out of my reach, after all, and I should just return to the streets of Bevelle.

No! I can't just give in like that! It would not be right. I cannot succumb so easily. I must be strong and prove that I still have worth in this world. Even if I cannot serve Yevon as I had, I can still defend his beautiful land.

I used to joke that there was always the Crimson Squad, if all else failed; it doesn't seem so much a joke, now.

197S9.8.42

I may have just signed away my last chance of ever returning to Yevon's good graces.

The man responsible for signing me in did give an odd glance to my robes, but he didn't laugh at me or make a scene as I had half expected; I suppose the Crimson Squad must be desperate for recruits when they'll allow one as inexperienced as I to join without even a second glance. Then again, looking to the other recruits, I have never seen such a patchwork of humanity as this: young and old, ragged and fresh-faced, injured and fully well; it must be true that they will let any who can so much as breathe take up a weapon here.

A weapon.

I suppose I will have to take one of those as well. I suppose I will have to learn to handle and to use a forbidden war machina; my bo will be of no use in a situation like this and I doubt any of my other skills will do any good against the enemy. The thought sickens me, but there is nothing I can do for it; I have already thrown in for a gil.

I think I may go try to find a secluded place from all the bodies. It seems there will be a lapse of time until the squad assignments are given and I would like to use that time for prayer and meditation. Somehow, I think that the tight spaces and closely confined bodies would not be conducive to such a state.

197S9.8.43

I have finally found the shirt which some recruit or another had stolen from me yesterday. It was hidden well behind a large boulder a bit off the path. I am not sure what anyone would want with it, but at least it wasn't entirely ruined.

Ah, it seems it is time to meet the other members of what will be my squad; I hope there is no one offensive.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Did I use the word offensive? I may have been closer to the mark than I had hoped.

They put me in a squad with an Al Bhed!

I do not understand it. Could they not keep the heathens to their own squad? Would it not be more proper to separate them from the rest of us? How do they think we can serve with something like that by our side?

It is so offensive and it is so much against Yevon's word!

I know that I am not in as much a position to object as I had been, but would not any good Spiran be outraged by this?

I suppose I am in no position to speak against it; I am no longer privileged to speak or to preach in Yevon's word, so I must simply face what challenges lie ahead with grace and calm. At least the heathen seemed far more interested in our squad leader than he did in me; he stared oddly at the leader for the longest time and I have to wonder if he's seeing something I cannot or if it's simply that heathens are not raised to know that such things are impolite.

Our squad leader—I believe he said his name is Nooj—is a most fascinating man. It is very clear that he is very much a warrior and that he will not leave us any quarter in our actions; I suppose that is the best sort to head a group such as ours, even if he is given to fits at even the smallest of things. His state is most curious, but I know it would only be rude to draw attention to it.

As expected, I seem to be the only one who knows nothing of this manner of combat; even the heathen knows more of these things than I do, but that is probably to be expected. I'm not sure I even know how to hold the machina gun they gave to me properly and my skin crawls every time I so much as look at it. I know that I will have to overcome these things so that I may be a proper member of the squad and I will do whatever it takes to learn; I must prove that I will be more than dead weight to them!

197S9.8.44

My nerves are making it impossible to sleep and the Al Bhed is making it impossible to do anything else!

He will not even leave me in peace to perform my morning prayers and his whistling cuts through me like the wind atop Mount Gagazet. I do believe he was just trying to irritate me and I know I should rise above it, but he makes it so impossible!

…such an irritating example of a creature.

Regardless, I should likely find a constructive use for this time. I believe I may try to work with the machina gun. This place is far enough away from anyone else that I should be able to practice without disturbing anyone.

It would be nice if I could show our leader a marked improvement from yesterday.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Pahho._

The Al Bhed named my machina gun_ Pahho_.

It was amazing to watch him handle it. He tried to teach me to hold and to shoot it as he can, but I just cannot do it. I cannot stand to touch such an evil instrument, let alone to actually use it to injure another. Why must I deal with this indignity? Is it atonement for what I have done or is it some manner of punishment that I must work with and learn these heathen arts from an Al Bhed?

I suppose I have no right to question it, but I simply cannot stand by while the heathen claims that I will soon be as he. I refuse to believe that. No matter how far I may fall, I will never be as low as an Al Bhed.

I still have my dignity and my humanity.

The final member of our squad has finally arrived.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We have our recorder.

Paine, her name is. It is an odd name, but it somehow truly seems to fit her.

She is as quiet as our leader and her expression reflects the same sort of disposition to the world. I am curious what has turned her so, but I do not know if asking her such questions is the wisest of ideas; perhaps I will try to speak with her a little once things have settled for the night.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have changed my mind about speaking with Paine.

I think I may simply find the darkest corner of this place and try to find some rest.


	2. Chapter 2

197S9.8.45

It seems that I was quite wrong to think that I could not talk to our recorder.

It also seems that she is one to wake as early as I and, though she did not join me in my morning prayers, she did nothing to disturb me; it was the first morning in quite some time that I was allowed to perform my Devotion without being interrupted by the scent of gun oil or the tuneless whistling of the Al Bhed.

I hope Paine knows how grateful I am for even this small gift.

I had intended to tell her this once I finished, but she adeptly steered the conversation from such things; it is clear to me that she's the sort to be in charge of even a small thing like this and I am not reluctant to give it to her. It is a wonderful treat to talk to one who seems to understand so much! She is very wise, even if her age is no greater than my own, and she tells so much in so little. Even her expressions tell much.

I have not yet seen her to smile, but there are times when the shift of her eyes or the position of her body tells of amusement or mirth; it's not the same as a laugh or a smile, but it is almost as satisfying to see. She didn't give me much of herself and I suppose I didn't give her much information on myself, either; it seems that we both abide by the rules of silence as far as some things go and I must admit that I am glad for this small blessing. I suppose I'm still a bit shy of admitting my own failures, even if they must be quite obvious; I can only imagine how the Al Bhed would react if he were to learn that I was once a summoner, especially given what Al Bhed have been known to do with ones in such a position.

I am glad to have found kinship in this Paine. She is easy to talk to and she has yet to show me the same pity or doubt which I seem to find everywhere in this place. I do understand why such looks would be given, but it is such a blessing to find a relief from them! I cannot even begin to describe what glimmer of hope it gives me, even if it is just the spark of the smallest flame.

She has also suggested that I take advantage of the Al Bhed's offer to teach me to use the war machina. She seems to understand the reservations I hold about him, but she has made it clear that I have to learn, one way or another.

I suppose the Al Bhed must be good for something, correct?

197S9.8.46

I have found the answer to my question of yesterday.

I hadn't intended to tell the Al Bhed of my past, but I was so flustered after what I did to that poor man's foot that I suppose I wasn't in the clearest state of mind. I still cannot believe that I injured someone so. It was terrible. The poor man was screaming and his foot was bleeding so badly; I wanted to offer to heal it for him, but he took on such a terrified expression every time I came near him that I soon had to leave him to his own. I hope he was able to find someone to tend it for him. Maybe I will seek him out, once everyone else has taken to sleep. There must be something I can do to make amends. I know that I am supposed to learn to destroy the enemy, but the man was doing nothing more offensive than walking past the target at which I was shooting; the blame is clearly my own.

Regardless, it was in this confused state of mind that I babbled out the fact that I was once a summoner. I regretted it immediately, but there was nothing I could do once it was said. My expression must have shown my regret as the Al Bhed only responded by telling me that he was once a summoner-kidnapper. I suppose I should have figured that much on my own, but it never occurred to me that this Al Bhed could have taken part in such a horrible thing; I can only imagine what horrible things he must have done to them, even if he claims that they were treated as kings.

It was clearly a lie. It is common knowledge that the Al Bhed kidnap summoners only so that they may propagate Sin's destruction…or that is what is taught to us, at least. I am not sure I remember it as so. Perhaps I am just confused.

That must be it. What other answer could there be? The Al Bhed couldn't be doing it for the summoners' good, could they? They would not care for such a thing. They believe us to be so low and so stupid that I imagine they think it would be a blessing to have us removed from Spira. I am sure I heard this from their very mouths when I was in their so-called sanctum. It is so hard to remember that time clearly, though, that I cannot be entirely sure. I suppose the filter of shame makes it hard to remember clearly. Perhaps the Al Bhed is right. Perhaps summoners are far too easy to take. Few of us can actually defend ourselves, after all, and even fewer can find their way without someone to hold their hand; it really does make a summoner a sitting chocobo to have so few coping skills.

…or maybe that is just me. Perhaps I am just projecting my sins upon the whole so that I may continue to feel some fellowship with them. It is a foolish thought, but it is oddly comforting to think that I may not be the only one who is as a lost child. Even here, I am the lost and useless babe. I can see it in every eye that looks at me. I can hear it in the tone of voice and I can see it in the posture of the body. To all, I am just a useless and weak failure. Even if they do not know of my past as a summoner, they can surely see the marks of the priesthood on me and they must realize that I have fallen if I am in a place such as this. I know that our leader, Nooj, is keenly aware of this. He takes no pain to hide the fact that he sees nothing of worth in me and, in a way, I am grateful for this; at least he is aware of my shortcomings and he even sometimes brings new ones to my attention. He did so this afternoon when I returned from the shooting range with the Al Bhed.

He claims that I look to the Al Bhed every time an order is given to me, but it is simply a misunderstanding. I am not surprised to see it, but it only proves that he was not schooled in the way of Yevon. It is, after all, a means for the elders to allow the youngest to act first so that he may be corrected immediately and clearly if he is wrong; this is how I was taught what little skills I know and I had assumed this is how all must learn these things. It seems Nooj does not find this method to be effective, so I will have to try to bend to his way of doing things.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Word seems to travel quickly in this place.

Paine is now amusing herself by calling me "Lord Baralai" when we are alone.

I think I may allow it without too much protest, as it seems she almost smiles when she speaks so.

My efforts to attempt to help the weaponmaster were an utter failure; he will not let me within fifty feet of himself. I really cannot blame him.

197S9.8.47

I cannot find _Pahho_!

I wonder if I left it somewhere and have since forgotten.

Or perhaps the Al Bhed decided to steal it so that I would be unable to shoot another of our men?

Perhaps he took it so that I would have to tell Nooj that I lost my firearm? I am sure our leader would not find this to be good news, though I'm not entirely sure I could fall any further in his eyes. Perhaps the Al Bhed wishes to see me be punished by Nooj. Perhaps he would like to see how damaging that machina arm truly is to Yevonite flesh.

I am beginning to sound paranoid. I should simply go find the Al Bhed so that I can ask him myself.

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I have just saved the life of an Al Bhed.

What does this make me? Why would I even think to do so? It clearly would have been doing Yevon's will to let him perish in the fiend's claws, yet I took direct action to keep this from happening. I suppose it makes me a sinner to have protected him, but I simply could not stand by and watch him be torn apart by the large winged fiend; perhaps it was nothing more than my own squeamishness which saved him.

No, I do not think that is right. If this were true, then Valefor likely would not have heeded my request; she would not show herself for something so small and so petty…yet she would show herself to help save an Al Bhed, even if it meant being summoned by one who should no longer be able to do so?

I do not understand. I should not even be able to call on the Fayth. My pleas and wishes should mean nothing to them, now that I have left the calling. My voice should be no more distinct to them than those of any of the normal Yevonites, yet Valefor heeded me so wonderfully, even to save the life of one seen as a low, filthy heathen. Why would she lower herself so? Why would she listen to my call, especially when it was to do something so against her very nature? Is it my strength or is it a failing in the teachings?

…I am just speaking blasphemy, now. I do not know what I am saying and it is all because of that Gippal!

I will admit that it felt so wonderful to summon again, even if it is a slightly guilty pleasure. I know that I no longer have a right to call on the Fayth, yet it is so exhilarating to realize that my bond with them remains. I had thought that they had turned from me, yet Valefor will still come to me; will the others? Am I not truly forgotten, at least by them? I am reluctant to try to call on any of the others and I will not attempt to summon just to satisfy my curiosity; I am merely grateful that the Fayth aided me in this, even if it is still unbearably confusing.

I think some of my joy at being successful in summoning Valefor must have shown for the look Gippal gave me, once he realized that he was no longer in danger of being messily devoured. I wonder if he knows that he was saved by summoning. I wonder how he would react to know it. Would he be angry or would he be offended? Perhaps he would just be glad to be alive, regardless of the means behind it. It does not really matter; I do not wish for him to think there is now some manner of debt between us nor that he owes me anything for it. I was simply defending a member of my squad. That is all there is to it. That is all there can be to it.

I do wonder, though, if it would be wise to air some of these thoughts to Gippal. I wonder how he would react if I spoke of Yevon to him. I know it must be a sensitive subject, but he has seen one of Yevon's greatest wonders; perhaps it will inspire him. Maybe if I ask of his culture and his world he will be more willing to listen.

It is something to consider.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Apparently, Nooj thinks that Gippal and I were fighting during our absence from camp. He seems to think I caused the scratch on Gippal's cheek which, in reality, was caused by the attacking fiend. He said something about my playing rough with Gippal?

I do not understand and, when I asked Paine, she simply laughed and patted me atop the ahead. Perhaps it is best if I don't understand.


	3. Chapter 3

197S9.8.48

I am surprised by how little has happened.

It is not that I am not glad for the peace before the storm, but it seems almost counterproductive to have us all gathered here with nothing to occupy us. Restlessness seems to hang heavily over every person I've seen, both of our squad and of the others, and I have seen men break into fighting for nothing more than a stray glance; I have even had members of the other squads approach me in such a way and I do not doubt that something may have happened if I had not been able to bow out gracefully. Sometimes, even then, I needed to have Paine step in on my behalf; it seems that, even now, I cannot escape the need of a guardian. I am grateful for her help, of course, but I do need to learn to stand firmly on my own.

What sort of warrior will I be, if I have to always stand close to someone else to ensure that I do not get shot? What use will I be against fiends if I cannot defend myself? How will I serve my position if I must run as a kicked whelp to whomever may protect me?

I must grow stronger. I must learn. I must defend myself. I refuse to be the liability that all must see me as. I do not wish to be the weight on my squad's back nor do I simply wish to be the one to be carried along. I know that Nooj must see me as nothing but dead weight and I can understand his reasoning for this; I only hope that I may be able to prove him wrong. I only hope that I may come to be seen as a warrior in his eyes.

He remains the only one of our squad with whom I have yet to connect on some level; I have even grown closer to Gippal than I have to him. I cannot say exactly what separates us, but I suppose that it may be nothing more than the fact that I am worthless in his mind; he does not seem the sort to bother with people who cannot offer him something and I have not yet shown one thing in which he may find worth. I rather doubt he'd find any worth in the fact that I was once a summoner and he'd likely find even less in my other skills.

It only gives me more reason to train with _Pahho_, I suppose.

197S9.8.49

Gippal has honestly surprised me.

I had thought that, if I were to speak of religion to him, then he would simply ignore me or that he would make any manner of tasteless jokes; he has done neither of these things. He listens well when I speak and, though he does present questions, they are often intelligent and insightful. He is far more open to Yevon's words than I would have thought and he seems as if he is truly taking in what is said; it makes me rather glad, even if it confuses me.

We were always told that Al Bhed are ignorant and unable to discern the Truth. We were told that they are blind to Yevon's Light. We were told that they warp the soul and turn us from the path of righteousness; I have seen none of these things in Gippal.

I have seen quite the opposite in him.

He is an intelligent man; he speaks well and it is clear that he has a very sharp mind. He seems open to what I say and, even if I know better than to hope for him to see the Light, I know that he understands what I have to say. He has shown me nothing but tolerance since we met and he has never been cruel to me. He has even taken the effort to help me to learn the means to survive in this place.

In honesty, I do not know what to think.

If he were as the Al Bhed against whom I had always been warned, would he not simply leave me to fend on my own or would he not just take the easy path and shoot me himself with his machina gun? It would not be hard for him to do so and it would even be quite easy to make it seem as if I had done it on my own.

He has shown no violence to me, yet could all this not be subtle betrayal? Could it not be that he is leading me down the path to sin all the while proclaiming that it is for my own good? He has taught me to touch and to use forbidden machina as if it were second nature. We have worked together only a few days, but I no longer flinch when he is around and I even allow him to touch me without comment; these things are unheard of and quite scandalous, for a Yevonite!

…perhaps that is the key, 'for a Yevonite'.

Am I still a Yevonite? I do still believe in Yevon with all my heart. I believe in all the Fayth and the Aeons. If I thought they would allow me passage, I would make the trek to Djose so that I may pray within the temple. I perform my prayers at the appointed time and I continue to follow the laws which Yevon himself lay before us.

…is all this enough to make me still significant within Yevon's eyes? Is it all overshadowed by my failure? Do these thoughts and the budding kinship with an Al Bhed condemn me to a state of sin?

I do not know the answer. I do not know if anyone can give me this answer.

Perhaps, when there is time and when I can slip away, I will try to speak with the Fayth. Perhaps they will give me a bit of the understanding which fails me.

197S9.8.50

I hit the bullseye!

I managed to do it quite a few times while I was practicing with Gippal today. I think I may finally be starting to understand exactly how _Pahho_ needs to be held for its aim to be accurate; I only hope that I may be able to remember this when in the middle of a battlefield.

xxxxxxxxxx

Paine did not win that wrestling match down by the pool.

She cheated by tickling me. That is not playing fair!

…I am rather glad that none of the other squads were there to hear me giggle. That would have been quite embarrassing.

197S9.9.01

There seems to be a strange atmosphere in the camps this morning, but no one seems to know what the cause may be. I think I may take advantage of this to sneak away.

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I have found no answers, only further questions.

The Fayth would not answer any of the questions I asked and, the more I pressed the vaguer and more distant their voices grew. I do not understand it. I was always told that the Fayth would always be there for a devout soul and that there was no question they could not answer; is it because the questions I put are of such a blasphemous nature? Have I offended them? Have they realized that I am unworthy?

I have no way to answer, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I may lose the last vestiges of my religion simply because I must adjust to the situation at hand; how can I decide between becoming a warrior to find worth in myself and fully turning my back on the religion which raised and enlightened me or continuing to cling to my religion while likely perishing in this dangerous hell?

I cannot choose. I would not know even in which direction to step.

How can I choose anything over Yevon, yet how can I deny the way which my conscience draws me?

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I have learned the cause of the excitement in camp; it seems we have finally received assignments from our commanders: soon, we are to board boats so that we may be transported to training grounds.

It seems good news to me. I am glad to know that soon I will take under full training. I am eager to see what this will be like, even if I am slightly nervous; it was especially good to be able to read my thoughts in Paine's expression, as well as the slight smile she gave me.

I only wonder if she'll make good on her threat to turn me into Sahagin-food if try to dunk her in the pool again.


	4. Chapter 4

197.S9.9.01

Nooj-or perhaps it was Gippal, I am unsure-decided that we should have a bit of a competition on the firing range tomorrow. All have agreed to it and it seems all are eager to display what they are capable of doing; I only wonder if Gippal simply wishes to show how well he has trained me.

No!

No…I must not think in that manner. It is just my nerves showing. I am immensely grateful for all he has shown and taught me and I must make him proud. I must do my best, even if it makes me so nervous. I do not wish to admit my fear aloud, but I suppose it must be obvious to anyone: I have had no restful sleep since learning of this event and, even now, I am pacing the camp much like an expectant father. I cannot rest. I cannot sleep. I cannot even stop my hands from shaking.

How am I to hold _Pahho_ if I am like this?

How am I to hit the broad wall of the canyon, let alone a small bullseye, if my hands are shaking so?

How can I keep from shooting myself…or, worse yet, someone else?

I do not think I could stand it if I were to shoot someone as I had that poor armoryman. The memory of his screaming and the fear in his eyes haunts me even now; I could not stand to see that same in the eyes of Paine or Gippal. I could not stand to let them down, either. They have been working so hard to support me and if I fail them in this…

No. I will not think of it.

I will be strong. I will aim true. I will not let myself be afraid.

197.S9.9.02

I…do not know what to think or what to write. My mind is in complete confusion and I cannot even turn to Yevon for help in finding the answers as he has abandoned me entirely. I cannot hear his voice nor the voices of the Fayth, no matter how I pray to them, and I have little hope of ever finding them again.

I think I may have severed the last of my ties.

I did not mean for it to happen, but it makes no difference to say so; even if it was not initiated by my own hand, I put up no resistance to him and I did nothing to make him stop. In truth, I enjoyed the touch of his hands and the closeness afterward is something I've needed for longer than I can even say. The truth of the matter is that I threw it all of my faith away for nothing more than a small taste of human closeness and that alone likely makes me the most pathetic creature to exist. I should likely be past the point where I need to be cuddled or coddled, but the temptation was simply too great.

Is it so wrong, though? Why is it against the faith to find comfort in another? Why is it so wrong to take pleasure in closeness, regardless of the nature of the two involved? In truth, when we were together, I had forgotten that we were anything but two humans both in need of some sort of comfort; the realization of the differences only came when I had time to think on it and it was only then that any form of regret set in. Regret? I am not even sure that is the exact right word for it; it was more a manner of shame and I am slowly becoming aware of the source of this emotion and the tears caused by it.

Why should I be ashamed? What did I do that was so wrong? Is it not something many have done? I know that it is forbidden only because of Gippal's race, but I find it hard to think of him in such narrow terms, now. He is simply Gippal as Paine is Paine and Nooj is Nooj; there is no need for me to see him as anything more than a man who has given me comfort when I was in dire need and who has helped me to learn to survive. Anything else is simply superfluous.

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The competition went rather well!

I was still nervous enough to cause my entire body to shake and I will admit that I was deathly afraid that I would shoot either Paine or Nooj every time I took _Pahho_ to hand, but my fears were mostly unfounded; I managed to shoot fairly well and I think I only shot wide once or twice the whole time we were there. As would be expected, most of the credit for this went to Gippal, but I cannot be bitter about it; he did work hard to teach me and it is only because of him that I am even able to hold _Pahho_, let alone manage to hit a target with it.

Both Paine and Nooj impressed me with their marksmanship, but I suppose I should have expected the both of them to be more than proficient; they are, after all, the most warrior-like of any of us. I only hope that I may be able to shoot half as well as they do so that I'm not entirely useless in the upcoming battles. Though, if it does come to such a thing, I suppose I could always request to switch positions with Paine; that may make Nooj happier, regardless.

On such a subject, I must also work harder on not glancing to Gippal every time an order is issued to me; it is an old habit and, though hard to break, I do not wish to have such a small thing be another point of irritation between myself and Nooj. There is more than enough there, already.

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How much surprise can a single soul take?

Earlier, I made an effort to find Gippal so that I could apologize for the evening before but, instead, I found Paine…and Nooj.

They were lying a little distance from the pool where we usually wash and, from their bodily positions, it seemed obvious that Gippal and I were not the only ones to find solace in each other the evening before.

I am…happy for her. I would not have thought that she would seek out such a thing from such a man, but it must be what she needs; I will be happy for her. I must be happy for her. It is perhaps for the best.

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It seems that nothing will go correctly today.

I had just found Gippal to apologize when Nooj and Paine showed up so I was really unable to apologize properly; I'll have to find him again later, when we will have time to be alone. I think we may have a few things to discuss between us.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Silence can speak so much more than words ever could.

It was so nice to sit with Gippal and to have him stroke my hair. His fingers are utterly amazing--I've never seen nor felt anything like them in my life-and having them run through my hair was soothing in a way I simply cannot describe.

Is it blasphemy?

I am coming to not care.

It a rightness in a world of wrongness and it is comfort where there is none; that is all that matters. I do not know what this bodes, if anything, but I will simply enjoy it while it lasts…though I think I may try to keep any public signs from occurring in front of Nooj; Yevon knows what he would make of it.


	5. Chapter 5

197S9.9.03

Gippal has promised to show me an incredible new technique, as he phrased it, down on the shooting range this afternoon; I cannot wait to see it, though I do rather hope that it is nothing like the technique which he offered the evening before.

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Nooj called me aside today.

He sent Paine and Gippal to the firing range on their own so that we could speak privately.

I was so nervous. I did all my best to keep my frame from shaking and to keep my nerves from showing, but I must have done miserably; from the expression he gave me the moment I stood before him, I could tell that I disgust him on some very basic level and he presented me with the back of his hand before any words could be exchanged.

Even thinking back on it now, I cannot guess why he backhanded me so. I know that I am quite lucky that he chose to do so with his flesh hand and not the one made of machina, but it was not the physical pain of the moment so much as the tangible exertion of my uselessness; it was a strong reminder of the fact that I am useless to him and, perhaps, to the entire squad. It was a reminder of all my failures and of all my short-comings. It was a reminder of having to stand before my guardians—and later my father—and tell them that I will be unable to finish my pilgrimage.

I know that I overreacted to it, but the slap was the culmination of so much building stress; I could not keep back the tears and, once they started, I could do nothing to control them. I know I looked as a fool, crying like a child before my squad leader, but I could honestly do nothing to stop once they started to fall; it was just such a solid reminder of what I am to him.

I am nothing to him. If I were to leave the camp right now, he would feel not even the slightest touch of regret; he would likely be glad that he would no longer have to run after me as a mother after a child. I cannot say I blame him for the sentiment, either; as our leader, he has to work on building us into a cohesive fighting unit and he really has no time to work on shaping a warrior from a clump of fluff. He is so much entrenched in the ways of the warrior and so absorbed in his task that it is really quite selfish of me to expect so much from him.

Perhaps I should give up the pretense that I can be a warrior. Perhaps I should find one of the commanders and ask that I be allowed to be transferred to a place in chaplain corps. I may be of some use there.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Nooj gave me a dagger at the end of our little interview earlier. It really is a rather nice little weapon and it fits well into the top of my boot; it reminds me a lot of the small blades which the female priests and acolytes were given to carry so that they could protect their purity. I rather doubt that Nooj gave it to me with such an intention, but it is still something which may be of use; the size of it and the way it fits into my hand makes me think that I could possibly integrate it quite easily into the manner of defense taught to me by the priests.

I believe I may give it a try while I have the chance.

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I must be as transparent as glass.

Nooj's interrogation from earlier left a rather nice bruise on my cheek and, though my complexion works well to hide such things, I still did not wish for anyone to suspect that something had passed between myself and my squad leader. To aid this, I spent most of the day in an area a bit removed from the main path, but Gippal still managed to find me, somehow. I tried to hide the mark by turning my face away from him, but he quickly caught onto the game; I do not remember the last I saw him look so upset and, though I tried to explain it away by saying that _Pahho_ had unexpectedly kicked within my hands, he would not believe me.

He's gone to find Nooj.

This is exactly what I did not wish to happen. I understand that Gippal is merely standing up for me, but it is unnecessary! Nooj was correct to act as he had and, further, it only underscores the points he made to have someone run to my rescue like this; it should not be necessary in the first place and it is a bit embarrassing to need someone to run to defend my honor. If such is necessary, should it not be done by myself?

I do not know. I should likely just be grateful that Gippal is willing to confront the squad leader on my behalf, but should the squad leader not be above confrontation? Should he not be the glue which binds and should we not be accepting of his orders? Should we not, as a whole, ignore this manner of thing so that we may be able to come together as a cohesive unit?

Perhaps it is I who should apologize.

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Once again, a quest to apologize is detoured.

Intead of finding Nooj, I found Paine and it turned out that she, too, was curious about the mark on my cheek. Once again, I used poor _Pahho _as an excuse and, though I am not entirely sure she believed me, she did allow the conversation to be dropped. I am grateful for this fact, though I do have to wonder if she is aware of what manner of man her lover is. I assume that she must if she is able to give herself in such a way, but it is hard for me to understand; Paine seems such a rational and calm woman while Nooj is nothing even close to either of those things! It could just be the fact of opposites attracting, but I am simply worried that, if Paine were to ever upset him…

I will not think of it. Paine is a grown woman and she knows what she is doing. I will keep my reservations to myself and I will simply be glad that she has found some manner of closeness and comfort in this time.

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It seems that we really will be one of the last squads to leave this place, but this may be good news; it will give a bit more time to practice, both with _Pahho_ and with my new dagger, and it will give time to try to shape up into something resembling a warrior. For now, however, I think I may simply try to find sleep; I am rather weary after this long day and sleep may well be the salve which I need.


	6. Chapter 6

197S9.9.05

Between this cold and the brilliance of the stars above, this place is almost like home. If I close my eyes tightly enough, I swear that I can hear the muted sounds of a sleeping Bevelle instead of the muted snores of my companions and I can almost convince myself that the cool stone is truly the slightly curved roof of the temple; it is foolishness to think of it, but I can almost smell that first Bevellen snow on the wind.

I don't think I'm truly homesick; what is there for me to miss, after all? When I left, I was as the street-born, begging for any sympathy or help that a stranger may give, and, even before that, I was as any other temple-born child, believing I was so wise and so worldly when, in truth, I could not see beyond the tip of my nose. In the short time I've been in this place, I have learned and experienced more than I ever thought possible when I was within the temple and…I have grown from it. Yes, I have grown away from my faith, but I have grown closer to something which seems so much more important; I cannot name that thing for the life of me, but it now seems so vital to my very existence that I cannot help but reach for it.

I wish to learn and I wish to grow; I want to take everything from this experience, even if it must cost me my life and my hope of a life after. I may not be the warrior or the fighter, but that does not bar me from being a working part of the whole; it simply means I must adjust. I can still be useful and I can still repay what they have taught me.

They have all taught me.

Nooj has taught me that I am as a child, unformed and weak, but he has also shown that I may yet rise above; it is perhaps from him that I have gotten this new strength and determination and, though I could easily hate him for showing me such a stark picture of myself, I should, instead, be grateful that he is yet willing to allow me time to grow into my place in this squad. I admit that he still makes me nervous, but this emotion now seems to be of a different source; it pains me to think that I may again sound as the Yevonite bigot, but one must wonder what toll a man pays to have such a foreign material grafted so permanently to him. Even I can see that it is a physical strain, but it must also draw quite heavily on whatever mental reserves he may have; it is admirable, of course, that he manages so well, but it also makes me curious if there is any way I can ease the mental burden, as Gippal has helped to ease the physical.

Paine has taught me that sanity and calm can be found, even in a situation as chaotic and unpleasant as this. It seems she has taken an older sibling view to me and I must be grateful for this; it is quite pleasant to have someone to whom to turn when there is no other and it is a beautiful thing to have someone with whom you can laugh and be at ease. Perhaps it is fate that she has been placed as an older sister for me; she is, after all, the first I have seen whose hair is nearly the same shade as my own. I know that is not so odd, as such, but it is so rare to see hair so pale that it does give me pause. Perhaps I should ask her about it sometime when we are alone, even if it is a rather silly thing.

Gippal has perhaps taught me most of all. It is through him that I have been able to find a fresh view of the Al Bhed and it is because of him that I have been forced to reevaluate my stance in the world. I can see now that I acted and thought so foolishly toward him when I first arrived, but I am now so grateful for what he has shown me; I can no longer think of the price I paid so much as I think of the depth of my former blindness. I wish to learn more from him. I wonder how he would react if I were to ask pointed questions about himself and his race. I wonder if he would bristle…or laugh…or grow quiet…or if he would share some of the pride he must take to be part of such a wonderful group. I would learn all that he could teach me; I just have to find a proper way of introducing the request. Perhaps if I were to ask him to teach me his language...

I think it may be time for me to lay this writing aside; it is beginning to read as the exercises the Maesters would give us to write every time we took our faith for granted and I do not wish these things to be reflected in such a light.

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Gippal has agreed to teach us Al Bhed!

This afternoon, the three of us—Gippal, Paine, and I—were wrestling beside the pool in hopes of burning away a bit of the restlessness which seems to have settled so firmly on all of us and, every time Paine or I would so much as scratch him, Gippal would mutter a small variety of words in Al Bhed. Though I was naturally quite curious, I refrained from asking him about it until we had finished with our exercise and, to my pleasure, he seemed quite willing to share. Unfortunately, what he shared was the crudest range of epithets I had heard in all my life and, though I tried not to let them affect me, I know that I blushed my darkest shade of red. I honestly wish that I could have reacted in a more adult manner, but it must have just struck Paine and Gippal as cute as neither took any pains to direct the conversation in another direction.

It does show how ignorant I am, though. It never struck me that "Yevon-sweetheart" would be seen as the strongest of the curses and yet it does make sense; to Al Bhed, being close to Yevon—or involved with him at all—is doubtlessly the lowest and dirtiest any man can get and it is likely the most offensive name to ever have tied to you. I only wonder if Gippal sees me as that. I wonder if he sees me as so low and so dirty. Could he still lie with me if he saw me as so or does he only use me in such a manner because he knows that there is no other outlet available?

I do not think I'll follow that line of thought any further. I am simply grateful that Gippal has agreed to teach me and I rather look forward to learning as much of the language and the culture as Gippal is willing to share. It was curious, though. Throughout this lesson, Nooj sat a small distance from us and, though we tried to invite him to join, he refused to do so. I wonder if it is simply distaste for the language or if the three of us were somehow making it so that he could not be comfortable? I can understand that he would not wish to take part in our wrestling—I am not sure he could do so comfortably nor safely—but to refuse something as innocuous as conversation…

Perhaps such fraternization is simply something which a good leader cannot allow himself?

197S9.9.06

According to Gippal, we'll be boarding the boats the day after tomorrow. It may be a bit odd, but I really am looking forward to this next leg of the journey; it has been quite a deal of time since I have had the chance to travel on a boat and I only hope that I do not get the seasickness. It's a shame I did not think to bring the ingredients necessary to brew the potion which guards against this, but I did not really have access to them, anyway.

I wonder if I might find some in the lower levels of this area.

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I did not have any luck in finding any useful herbs, but I did manage to find the camp where the Maesters have been staying. It was no real surprise that it was on the lowest level and that it was in the safest of the enclosures, but it was a bit of a surprise that there was still one Maester lingering there, even after many of the squads had left. I did not recognize him, but this means nothing; I rarely had much to do with anyone so high in the temple as my father often took care of such connections for me. I cannot recall the Maester's name, even now, but it does not matter; I had no time to really address him as he simply asked me why I was lingering so far from my own squad. The excuse I offered, that I was seeking somewhere private to pray, seemed to placate him and he allowed me to go on my way without any further trouble.

I am curious as to what the others may think of this information, but I am not sure it's worth sharing; the Maester could have lingered for no greater reason than he wishes to ensure that all squads make it to the boat and so that any last minute orders may be issued. The restlessness is likely just making me paranoid.

197S9.9.07

Gippal is busy working with Nooj and Paine has left to scavenge among the deserted camps; I believe I may join her in this, as there is really nothing else for me to do.

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I am not sure what drew me back, but I returned to the Maester's camp in the lowest level of the Road, this afternoon. The Maester who had confronted me yesterday was gone and there was very little left to suggest that anyone had ever been there; this is why it was so surprising to find such a valuable object left in the dust.

I recognized the small, square box immediately and, though it bares no markings, I know that it must belong to one of the Maesters; I simply cannot understand why he would leave it behind, though. The weapons inside are a sacred marking of the Maester's position and, though they are hardly ever used, they are still a strong symbol to all in the faith. Surely, this is the sort of thing he would wish to keep close to himself and it would be the very last thing he would leave behind, even in an emergency.

I suppose it is our fortune, though. These pistols will be of good use to us and I know Gippal will be able to determine if they are still in working order. It may be blasphemy, but, in a time of need, even the highest must resort to such things.

Perhaps this makes us as Maesters.

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The sacred pistols…the only acceptable machina in our religion…

A Judas pistol. That is how Nooj called them. One is arranged so that, when handled, it will shoot backward and injure the one holding it while the other fires normally. They are clearly intended to throw a fair duel.

It makes sense, somehow, that the only acceptable machina is twisted in such a way within the Maesters's hands. It makes sense that they would use such to throw a duel, if they were ever to participate in one. It is also all this which makes me feel unclean to have handled them.

How much blood was shed through that mangled machina? How many lives were wrongfully taken in what rightly should have been an even duel? How many Maesters escaped what could have been righteous punishment through this devious means? How could such be allowed amongst those who should be at the pinnacle of our belief?

I do not wish to see those pistols again. I do not wish to know if they are kept or if Gippal decides to destroy them. They are a tangible reminder of all that is so wrong in Yevon and, though such is needed, I cannot help but see wrongfully shed blood when I look at the crimson marks along their grips.


	7. Chapter 7

197S9.9.08

This afternoon, we leave for the next stage of our training.

In a few short hours, this camp will be chaotic as we gather our things and march down to the docks, but, right now, everything is as peaceful and near-silent as always. It is almost hard to believe that this restless, lazy time has come to an end, but I am rather grateful for it; it will be so good to move and to learn, even if it means facing fiends and other threats to my life, and I am eager to see where the next leg will take us. There must be many places in this land where they could train us well, and I cannot even begin to guess where they will choose. I had heard one of the other squads speculate that they may take us to the Calm Lands, but I rather doubt that; such a place does not seem appropriate for the training of an army such as this.

Regardless of the destination, I am also quite looking forward to the chance to be onboard a ship again. It has been quite a long time, but I have always enjoyed the gentle motion and the notion of being surrounded on all sides by nothing but water; it is almost as if you are adrift in your own private heaven, as the stars show so clearly through the darkness without the interference of city lights. Of course, given the situation, I am sure there is no chance of such a sensation and I doubt there will be any time to turn to the stars to see how far we have gone. It is a pity, but this is not a leisurely cruise; I should not be disappointed by such a thing.

The sun is beginning to show over the low rises of rock and so I should likely set about getting myself prepared for what lies ahead of me. I know it may be selfish, but I think I may go down and enjoy the cool water of the pond one last time. It may be quite a long while until I have the chance to bathe again and I wish to enjoy it while I still can.

If I wake him, I wonder if I may be able to convince Gippal to join me.

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The way they hurried us to the docks, I thought that we were seconds away from missing the boat, yet we've been standing here for what must be more than two hours; why are they having us wait so? Is there something wrong or is this simply the usual way things work in the military?

At least some good did come of this: I found a rather beautiful staff lying in the rocks alongside the docks and, as no one else has use for it, I have claimed it for myself. It is a bit heavier than the last I used and it is sharply pointed at one end, but it seems as if it could be quite useful in the upcoming trials.

I think I may practice with it a bit while we are waiting.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

To pass the time, Paine agreed to spar with me—her sword to my new staff—and I will admit that she continues to be able to give me quite the challenge; I am beginning to think that I may never best her in a fair fight and I am rather glad that I likely will never be forced to have to face her in such. The men of the other squads were clearly quite amused when I lost to Paine for the second time and I noted that Gippal seemed to share in this amusement.

For a long while now, I had been promising Gippal that I would spar with him, hand-to-hand, so that I could show him why I prefer to fight without a weapon and this seemed as perfect a time as any to prove my point; I do not think he would back down, anyway, but under the pressure of the other squads' smirks, I knew that he would be hard set to refuse, even if the sparring was not in his usual style of fighting.

We faced each other without our chosen weapons and, though I was doing my best to pull my punches, I still managed to fell him after only a few moments; it was rather easy as he was leaving all the most vulnerable areas quite open and he did nothing to try to impede the speed with which I struck. I should likely offer him a few lessons on how to better defend himself, but I'm quite sure he'd only take offense at the offer; we probably don't have the time for such foolishness, now, anyway.

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We're finally out to sea.

The ship disembarked almost as soon as we boarded and, much as expected, the quarters are quite tight here. I am not sure that there is any room to sleep below the deck and, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure I would wish to sleep there; it seems the art of cleanliness is rather lost on the general Spiran public and it is impossible to move unless you push the limbs and bodies of the other men out of your way.

I think I may spend the majority of my time above-deck if it is at all possible.

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We have hardly been on the ship for an hour and our squad has already found trouble.

It seems that one of the men from another squad approached Paine in a way which she did not appreciate and, rather than simply asking him to leave her alone, she lay him flat with a rather mean punch. It was a rather stunning display and I am certain that the other men will now give her as much space as she needs; the only problem is that the man was injured rather badly and none of the men from his own squad would do anything to help him.

I had to help him. I did not mean it as an insult to Paine nor to our squad, but the man was screaming much as the armoryman had; I simply could not ignore it. It took no more than a simple cure spell to heal his wounds, but, as soon as he realized that he had been cured, the man did the most embarrassing thing: he kissed at the ends of my robes and he praised me as if I had brought him back from the dead. Naturally, I did my best to calm him, but truly was beside himself with gratitude.

It never struck me before now, but I believe I may be the only one who knows curative magic on this ship.

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I was right; I am the only one on this ship who knows curative magic.

Ever since I cured the man who insulted Paine, I have been mobbed with requests from the various members of the other squads. Most of it has been for small things such as knife-wounds or sores from badly sized boots, but there have been a few requests for healing from ailments which can only be spread through one manner of contact; I know it should not come as a surprise—there are, after all, a few women who are peddling that very manner of contact on this ship—but the Yevon priest in me is sorely tempted to turn those with this particular ailment away. Naturally, I will not give into this temptation, but I suppose it simply demonstrates how deeply those beliefs affect me, even now.

197S9.9.09

Nooj has fallen sick.

I only learned of this when Paine managed to draw me away from the injured and, though I realize that I should have been paying more attention to my squad's needs, I am glad that it is nothing more serious. Thankfully, Paine and Gippal managed to find a secluded place for Nooj to rest and I have been keeping him under the influence of a strong sleep spell so that his body does not grow dehydrated with the sickness. Since the magic seems to be working quite well for him, I believe I may try adding in a cure or an esuna next I cast, so that his body takes no great damage from what it has already been through.

It is quite curious, though. I had always thought that machina would repel magic as magic stems from Yevon's holiness and grace, yet Nooj has shown no adverse reactions to my casting. I had always thought that magic, if it did not simply destroy machina, would then simply have no effect, yet every spell I have cast has worked perfectly on him. I suppose these beliefs were more lies given by the machina-biased priests and Measters, but it could perhaps also be that they never bothered to test magic in such a manner. It is a shame. I am sure this information could be quite useful for anyone who is in a situation similar to Nooj's but, because of our bias, no one has bothered to learn.

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I am no longer sure how long I have been down here.

Nooj's state hasn't really changed. He still wakes every now and again and he is always delirious and quite ill when he does; I continue to cast him to sleep every time he wakes and, every few hours, I cast a cure and an esuna to ensure that he is comfortable…or as comfortable as he can be in his current state.

Gippal has come and gone a few times and I think he is growing a bit irritated with me; first, he wished to have me swim with him when the boat stopped and, later, he wanted to have me watch the sunrise with him. Normally, I would be more than happy to join him, but I honestly do not wish to leave Nooj in this condition. I will just have to make it up to him when we land.

Paine is starting to worry me. She, too, has been with Nooj since he fell sick and she refuses to leave or to rest. I am sure that she knows that there is nothing she can do for him, but she insists on staying at his side. I can understand her worry and her concern, but I may have to cast on her, as well, if she does not rest soon.

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I just cast the both of them to sleep. I know that Paine will kill me when she awakens, but it was honestly for her own good; she will do no one any good if she makes herself sick. Somehow, I doubt that she will find any comfort in this, if I manage to tell her it before she turns me into a thin paste on the floor, but that is the way things must be.


	8. Chapter 8

197S9.9.10

We must have found land as I can think of no other reason for the ship to suddenly be so filled with ruckus; it was enough to even rouse Nooj from his magic-induced sleep and, though I tried to keep him from immediately moving, I am quite glad to see that he seems to be a bit more stable now that the ship has come to a stop. Despite the rather damaging symptoms, it seems that he will be quite alright once he is given time to settle and to regain his strength; I only hope that the Maesters will allow us another lull as they had before we boarded the ship on the opposite shore.

Regardless, I think I may attempt to keep an eye on Nooj until I am sure that the sickness is thoroughly through with him. I know that this may be risking my skin, but it would do no good for our leader to be hampered by something which could be easily cured; I only hope that it does not take too much attention as I feel as if I may, myself, collapse at any moment.

Ah, I am just being weak. Surely, the casting did not take so much from me and I have gone longer without sleep without any adverse effects. I must be strong! Even if I am just a healer, I must be aware and ready for whenever I am needed. It is the very least I can do for my squad.

It seems as if Paine, too, is starting to stir from her sleep and so I believe I may go ahead and ensure that there is nothing on the way out that will trip either of them up in their current bleary state; I imagine that Nooj would not be happy to have his first step onto our new training grounds be anything but firm and, from her expression, I believe Paine is less than pleased with my gift of the night before.

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It seems that our next bit of training will take place on a desert island, not the Calm Lands.

I am not disappointed; I am only surprised. I have never been in a desert before and I do not even know what manner of precautions to take concerning our surroundings. I'm sure the usual guidelines of not eating anything unfamiliar and not trusting the local fauna stands, but there are likely other rules which I should know. I suppose that I will just learn as we travel and adjust as I must.

The strength of the sun, even as it wanes, gives me pause and it strikes me that we should take precautions against it burning us. I do not think it would be a concern for myself as I have such dark skin and Gippal, as an Al Bhed, is probably immune to it. Nooj and Paine, however, both have fair skin and I am sure it would not take much for them to become severely burned. Since Paine seems to have taken it upon herself to watch over Nooj, I think I will take advantage of the lull so that I may investigate some of the plants growing near to the camps.

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I have come into a windfall!

There are many useful plants quite near to the docks and, even though they are a bit stunted, the leaves and thistles will be most useful! There is enough to make a good supply of salve to guard against the sun and there is even knotweed to guard against any venomous fiends which may be about. I had hoped to be able to find some galangal to make a potion to help guard against seasickness, but I have yet to come across any. I will just have to keep my eyes open for some when we make our camps at night.

It is a bit curious, though. My knowledge of these herbs and their uses comes through the Temple, of course, and I remember learning that knotweed and galangal normally only grow so close together on one island in Spira as it is the only place with the proper combination of sandy soil and strength of sun to support both. Naturally, they could have been quite wrong in what they taught us, but it is still something to consider. If I have time this evening, I believe I may try to read the stars to see if I can confirm my suspicions, but, at this moment, I am needed back at camp; it seems as if Gippal has caught something and they wish for me to build a fire so it can be roasted.

I believe that I may lay a few herbs over the fire to see if they help to calm the frazzled nerves and stress of the journey to this point.

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It has been an informative night.

We are now officially squad number five and, as such, we are fully independant from any of the other squads. We are no longer to assist them in any sense and we are no longer to trust any other recruits, aside from those within our own squad. I did note that Nooj gave me a pointed look when he declared this and I can understand why; even now that we are on solid ground, men of the other squads have been seeking me out to help them with any lingering ailments and I have been more than willing to do what I can for them. I suppose that must stop, now. I hope they understand why, but there really is nothing I can do if they cannot; it is apparently how this must be done.

I do wonder why the Maesters are setting the squads against each other in such a fashion since it must only breed hatred and mistrust; would it not be better to have us forge a common bond, outside of the bonds already forged within the individual squads? It almost seems as if they wish for us to war amongst ourselves, but such a thought is almost too horrible to entertain. Then again, these are the same Maesters who would rig ancient and supposedly sacred machina so that they would not have to face a fair duel; I am starting to wonder if there is any deviousness beyond their imagining and I am also starting to see why 'Yevon sweetheart' is so suiting for a profane epithet.

Once this information was laid before us, Nooj did something that honestly surprised me: he publicly commended me for aiding him while we were on the ship. Of course, this was entirely unnecessary and I would never expect to be praised so, but it was quite bolstering to hear such words from one who, not so long ago, seemed to have nothing but scorn for me. Perhaps I am finally starting to show my worth to him and, it seems, to my squad, as well. I cannot begin to describe how pleased this makes me, though I am sure my joy in it must have been obvious for the deep crimson shade my cheeks turned.

After this, we exchanged whatever information we managed to gather since arrival and the only truly interesting thing to come of this is that Gippal confirmed that we are, indeed, on Bikanel. I am still rather confused why the Maesters would choose such a place for our trials, but I suppose it does make sense; it is an abandoned island and the terrain and the native fiends will likely root out any of the weaker recruits. I suppose it does give us an advantage that we have a native in our squad; Gippal as already told us the lay of the land and it seems Nooj has already laid our plans for the next day.

There is little to do, right now, and so I believe I may see if I am able to find any other useful herbs in the surrounding area; I should like to be able to at least make a simple antidote before we set off tomorrow, as it sounds as if we will soon be facing fiends.

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One of the men from the other squads just approached me as I was preparing the herbs I had found and he asked me if I would give him some of the antidote I was brewing. He told me that he had wandered away from his squad and that a poisonous fiend had attacked him. The wound in his arm was not overly deep, but, even from a small distance, I could smell the acrid poison in it; he would sure die if something was not done.

What could I do? My loyalties are to my squad and I am forbidden from helping any of the others; I had to turn him away. He cursed me as he scattered the herbs I'd found and then he struck me with the butt of his machina gun; I did nothing to stop nor to discourage him. I deserved it. It is my duty to help those who are suffering and especially those who are in a state of such mortal peril, but I am forbidden to do this by the rules of this Maester's game; it is a poor excuse, but my hands were tied.

Why is this happening? Why are they playing us against our fellow man? In this time of peril and strife, should we not cling together rather than drive ourselves apart? Would good comes of letting a man die simply because he had the misfortune to be attacked?

I do not understand it, any of it. I do not think I would want to understand the mind which could give such orders in a clean conscience, but perhaps it is only the situation which necessitates such barbarity; it is a competition and only the strongest must survive so that they may protect Spira…is that it?

Ah, I am too tired and too weary to think on this, now. I wish for only rest, but I do not know if I'll manage sleep; every time I close my eyes, I only see the hatred in that dying man's eyes and I can only keep thinking that he will not be here to see the sunrise tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

197S9.9.11

Our first day marching through the desert and we have halted for the day shortly before noon. It's fully understandable since there is only one member of our squad who is used to the terrain and the fortune of finding these caves—_dneisjened_, I think Gippal termed them—seems to demand that we take rest. Nooj has said that we will try to rest during the day and march at night so that we may be saved the full heat of the sun and the plan sounds wonderful to me; I know I will have to adjust, but, right now, the heat is maddening and I am very grateful for the chance to rest in these blessedly cool caves which Gippal found.

Gippal…he's amazing in this terrain.

I know that he is desert-born, but it is still fascinating to see him move so easily through the sand. He seems unaffected by the strength of the sun and his eye picks out fiends long before the rest of us have any idea that there is danger; Nooj is quick with this, as well, but it seems Gippal is always the first to raise his gun and he, Gippal, has been the one to fight the majority of the fiends. It seems so obvious that he will be the one on whom to depend in this portion of the trial and, between him and Nooj, I have no doubt that we will see the other side safely.

It is a bit amusing, though. Only a few short weeks ago, I would never have dreamt that I would be writing such praise for an Al Bhed, but, right now, I am not sure that I have even begun to cover all the wonderful aid Gippal has given us as a squad, let alone what he has done for me, as an individual. I have learned so much from him and I know there is so much more I have yet to hear; I only hope we both live to finish the tale.

Enough of this! I cannot simply sit here and write on and on like an infatuated child while there are other things to be done! I must start to refine those herbs we found on the march here and I promised Paine that I would teach her some of the compounds while there's still light to see what is being done. Besides, I must have been repeatedly glancing to Gippal as I wrote for the sly expression he just offered me; perhaps I should teach him a new meaning for the word 'sly'?

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The others have been kind enough to give me the antechamber to the series of caves so that I may experiment with my compounds without worrying about choking them with the fumes and smoke and it has been a very productive afternoon: I have managed to make quite a few herbal antidotes in case any of us are attacked by poisonous fiends and the sunscreen should be finished by the time we have to break camp.

Paine has been working with me all afternoon and she has again proven that she is a very apt student. She has only had to ask a few questions and most of her knowledge seems to have come simply from observing my actions; I have no doubt at all that she will soon surpass me in alchemy and it seems she already is quite adept at identifying the various types of herbs and plants. It surprises me how easily she seems to come to knowledge and how she seems to master all she attempts; perhaps it is just confidence, though I have to wonder if it couldn't be her near-silent and observant nature, as well.

While we were working, she brought up to me that the Maesters have requested that all members of the squad are recorded saying their name and a short identifying phrase. I cannot imagine why they would wish such a thing, but it could simply be so that they have a way to seperate us, one from the other. We are so much alike, are we not?

Well, we likely are to them, at least.

Regardless, I'll have to think of some way to identify myself. Somehow, I doubt that saying 'Baralai, the Yevonite' would hold any meaning anymore, aside from the fact that it could be a clear lie. Paine suggested that I use 'Baralai the _Vub'_ but I would not dignify that with an answer; honestly, I must better monitor what she learns from that Al Bhed.

I think I may know of the best means of teaching them better manners, however.

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It was the oddest thing.

Both Gippal and Paine came down with an odd ailment which turned their faces the most alarming shade of green and they were forced to admit that they had eaten a few tablets which I had left lying innocently by my mesh pack of herbs. Honestly, I thought grown men and women knew better than to put strange objects into their mouths?

They are only lucky that I know the cure for this particular ailment, even if it does take quite a long while to prepare, and that I was able to administer it before the effects became permanent. I only hope that they learned their lesson…and that Gippal does not repay me too harshly for my laughter. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget how they both looked with their faces green and their features set in a scowl and I do not regret any of it!

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We're to leave in only a few short hours and Gippal has not yet slept. I know that he has been having trouble sleeping for a while now, but this is the first time I've been tempted to try to cast him to sleep. From his reactions to it, he seems to not to have much use for magic, but he cannot continue to function and react well if he is only acting on a few hours' rest. It would be for the best to do this and he will thank me for it later…or he'll feed me to the first fiend we find. Either way, the rest will do him well and I think a chance to actually sleep may do _me_ well; I do quite enjoy all the closeness and the contact which we've shared, but I also find that it is just as nice to be able to lie beside him. I wonder if this is odd…

I have also been thinking about what identifying phrase I should use for the official recording. After the little mishap of earlier, Gippal has suggested 'Little Snake' but I am not sure I would like to be permanently remembered as such. After a few other inappropriate suggestions, Gippal stumbled upon something which may be my best choice, 'Baralai, the Navigator'. I know he only chose this as I had spent a bit of time this evening reading the stars with Nooj, but it is as suiting as any other name I could find.

I suppose it will do.

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We are so fortunate that Gippal and Nooj can both see so well at night.

I cannot see further than my nose, despite the light of the single moon, and I think Paine is in a similar situation; if it were not for the other two, we likely would not have realized that the fiends were upon us until it was too late and we would have likely been worse off if they hadn't raised the alarm. As this would suggest, they were the two to handle the majority of the fiends, but I did manage to fell one or two with my staff; it may sound as bragging, but I am rather proud that I managed to stand well in my first true fight in quite a long time. Perhaps I am taking those small steps to actually acting as a warrior…if I can ever manage to improve my night vision.

Luckily, there were no severe injuries from the battle: Gippal was punctured in the side and Paine had her thigh scratched. Each of these was easily healed over and the remedies I gave them seem to have nullified the poison; they should both be fine with the bit of rest which Nooj is allowing us. Everyone is now resting in a shady overhang, but I believe I will stay awake a bit longer to be sure that all is well.


	10. Chapter 10

197S9.9.15

The desert takes her toll.

I remember, when I was a young child and more open to questioning the priests who taught us, openly scoffing at the old priest who once scolded us for playing in the Bevelle sun too long. When he warned us that the sun can eat away at one's senses, I remember giggling with one of my fellow priestlings that it was most likely blessed wine which ate away at the priest's faculties; I believe I know better, now.

If I look back at the pages of this journal, I can see that it's only been a few days since we arrived here. Sense can grasp and hold onto that fact as well as ever, but my body and my mind seem to cry that we've been lost here for days on end. Of course, these cry, too, that I will never know water again and that I will soon be as dry and fragile as the leaves which lie between my skin and my robes. I cannot believe it, though. There is water to live on and, using the stars as guide, I can see that we are making good progress on our trek; I am only growing impatient as the last of childishness refuses to wither away and it only balks when good advice is given on conserving our water.

Yevon, am I really this weak?

It all only makes me glad that we have a capable leader in Nooj and a knowledgable guide in Gippal. From the briefest of glances we had of another squad a few days ago, we seem to be faring better than most as we have not yet had to fire on any of the other teams...not that we have had much oppurtunity to see anyone else. Perhaps it is for the best. Who can tell what this sun would demand of us if we were close to any other teams? Who can tell what it may demand of us to do to each other?

No.

No, I cannot believe it. We've come too close together to be turned by something so small and we've been too much supporting each other to suddenly draw into mutinous thought. Was this the Maesters' intent when they set us to this trial? Did they know that we would be bound together irrevocably by the desert sun? Or was it more that they hoped we'd all be nothing but more bleached bones in the sand by the time the month was through?

Ah, the sun is turning me paranoid. I think I must lay aside my journal for now.

1979.9.16

Nooj, he...and we couldn't...I...I just...why...Yevon, why didn't I...the way Paine was watching him yesterday...the way the battle was going...that sandbear...the...I...I don't understand.

I can't. I cannot dwell on this, now. Paine needs me. This must be so hard on her, to learn that her lover is a...is in such a way. I cannot imagine how this must have shaken her, but I suppose I don't have to imagine it; she's sitting right here, leaning against me. She's shaking like a kitten left in a Bevellen blizzard and her eyes have a faraway look that I'm not entirely sure I like; if she does not show signs of calming, I may try to offer her a draught of something to calm her, even if it is not the most honest means of working with the crisis at hand. What choice do I have? We cannot function with all of us in this state of...shock? Betrayal? Awkwardness? I do not even know how to properly term it, but I suppose the best word is the most honest: Deathseeker.

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I have finally convinced Paine to go and speak with Nooj. It seems the only reasonable course of action. If anyone has the right to speak to him of what happened, then it would have to be her. Perhaps she'll be able to help him to see reason. Perhaps she'll be able to give him reason. Perhaps she'll help him work beyond this in a way Gippal or I cannot.

...even in writing, the words sound so hollow.

I do not even know if we have a right to try to talk him back; if this is what he desires more than anything in this world, do we have a right to hold him back from it? If he only wishes for the freedom of the afterlife, do we have a right to bind him to the pain of the flesh?

"Pain of the flesh". It must be so true for him. It must be so hard to be bound in such a body. It must be so painful to have the unnatural limbs and additions. They obviously hurt him and they obviously make movement a trial; perhaps it would be best if he had freedom from them and whatever mark they have made beyond the flesh. Perhaps it is only our own selfishness which make us want to keep him here with us.

Selfish. So selfish.

I feel as if I should keep my eyes on him all the time, now. I feel as if I should sit him as one would a child, but I know what would come of such an effort. Yevon, I don't want to see him walk into such a death! I do not wish to lose him in that manner! It has not been so long, but I refuse to lose another person to whom I have grown close! I am selfish but why is it so terrible? It is a part of this! We must all come through this together or the victory will be hollow!

...I will find a way. I will find something--some salve or pill or draught--that will ease the pain that drives him to this. If it requires it, I will spend every hour experimenting to find a way. I cannot...I cannot fail Nooj, not after all he has done.

197S9.9.17

I have heard of beasts which could scent water, but I've never seen a man do so, until yesterday.

I do not know if it is an inborn trait, but Gippal managed to scent out water from the sands and we were able to finally have a satisfying drink. Our bodies seemed to be satisfied and our canteens were full, so we took rest in what little shade we have found; we take rest, we no longer sleep.

I have not seen any of us sleep since the incident of yesterday. I do not know if it is fear or concern which keeps us alert, but it seems to be common to all of us. It cannot be helped; no one could witness such a thing and not be changed. Even Gippal has grown quieter and more thoughtful. I would try to speak to him about it, but...what would I say? I have no words of comfort nor of wisdom. I have nothing which would be of use to him. I can only watch this silently and pray that the outcome does not tear all of us apart.

197S9.9.18

It should only be one more day before we reach our destination, if I am reading the stars correctly.

I will be so glad to be free of this and it is no longer only because of the unending sun; it will be good to be free of the continuous reminders of what happened in these sands. It will be good to be free of the constant jolt of remembering how I had been utterly unable to react quickly enough and what would have happened if Paine had not been more alert than I...

I believe she is still deeply troubled and I can see that Gippal is, as well. No one speaks of what has happened nor is it referred to, even in casual conversation; it's almost as if we believe that we can ban that particular part of our leader if we ignore it long enough.

It's foolishness, of course.

This has become such a presence in our squad that it may as well be another member. I do not think that there is anything any of us can do to forget it and I'm not entirely sure that we should; it is important. It is another tie that binds us all together as a squad and it may be what allows us to have strength to come through. It changes nothing. If anything, it only makes me more firm in my resolve to follow my squad leader wherever he may go.


	11. Chapter 11

197S9.9.18

We have managed to make it to our checkpoint, but trouble has followed us to the very end.

We hardly made it to the mouth of the cave before another squad--Team Three, I believe Paine said--began to fire on us and, as we were ordered, we fought to protect our resources. The fight did not last long, but the repercussions were large: one member of Team Three was killed.

It is impossible to say, even now, who shot him, but it does not matter; the leader of the fallen man's squad named me as the murderer and he immediately challenged me to a duel. I consented and we likely would have fought right there if Nooj had not intervened. It seems that not even the leader of another squad is willing to argue with Nooj for the man backed down immediately and it was agreed that the duel would be put off until both sides have had time to rest and to regroup. Since then, I have heard only reasons why I should not have consented to the duel: I am weak from the injury to my hip, I was picked only because I am the least able to fight of our squad...these are all excuses which have been offered me, but I was aware of them, even before.

They do not matter to me. What matters to me is that the slain man's body is laid to rest and that my squad's honor is intact, no matter what the cost may be. If I turned from the duel and called the other squad's leader a liar, how would that reflect upon the man who worked so hard to shape me into some semblance of a warrior? If I claimed weakness from my injury and asked Paine or Gippal or Nooj to stand in my place, how could I ever face any of them again?

I cannot do that. I cannot ask that of them. I must stand on my own feet for this. Even if I am hobbled by my wound, I am still able to fight and I will fight to make my squad proud.

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It has been decided.

The modified pistols are to be used in the duel. It will be fixed so that Team Three's leader will take the Judas pistol and I will shoot a bit wide so that there is only one wound in the body. This is how the rest of my squad wants the duel to go and I have no place to argue.

I...must handle them. I must use the treachery of Yevon to save my own life.

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It's over.

It happened without a single hitch.

Nooj held the box with the pistols and Paine even recorded the event. No one raised any questions and the duel was over rather quickly. We both took our ten paces and, when we faced each other, he shot himself through the forehead. I shot wide and Gippal had the guns back in the box before the body even hit the sands.

It's...over. It's really really over. There's nothing more to be said for it...to be said for anything. We are the victors in this particular round of the trials. We only did as the Maesters ordered, defending our resources. The others are taking advantage of these now, bathing and splashing. I can hear them from here, but I do not wish to join them. I do not think I could enjoy it, right now. My body is starved for good, cool water but it would only taste bitter.

Perhaps I will wait to drink for a little longer.

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I am worried.

Gippal and Paine seem to both be quite willing to put the duel behind themselves as simply another part of this seemingly endless trial, but Nooj has had a strange look about him ever since the duel. I cannot guess what exactly is bothering him, but it worries me that it may be more stress on top of what is already there. He was the one to give the final word to use the rigged pistols...is he regretting it, now? Is he thinking that I should have fought fairly rather than to use those horribly mangled guns? Is he thinking that it would have been better to have my body lying under the sands rather than to have to resort to such means?

...I could not blame him if it were so. I could not blame any of them for believing my death preferable, just as I could not blame them for holding this irrevocable stain against me. I have sunk so low...

I am as the Maesters, now.

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Gippal has surprised me.

I did not think he would wish to be near me after the events of the day, yet he willingly came to me as I sat in the mouth of the cave. Neither of us said anything to the other, but I don't think we needed to; it was all written so clearly in the events of the day as well as in their aftermath that speaking of them would be redundant. We lay together and, afterward, he held me so tightly, almost as if he were afraid that I would slip from his arms. His arms around me felt so wonderful, though, and the words he spoke to me...I am still not sure what to make of them.

He said that he was glad that I was still there for him to hold and that he was thankful for me. He said it so quietly that I think he was on the border of sleep...but if these words are heartfelt...I do not know. I do not think I should invest much in them. I am just a battle boy, am I not? It cannot be more. I do wonder, though. I wonder if he knows what those words meant, how they have helped to salve the wound of having to handle those mangled guns. I wonder if I should tell him of that. I wonder if I should thank him for opening my eyes to so many things, the true worth of the Al Bhed chief among them. He has had such a large part in helping me to grow from the scared and childish priestling I was...I owe him so greatly.

197S9.9.19

The Maesters sent word late last night that they wish to interview us privately.

It is no great surprise. It is only common sense that they would hear of the duel and if the pistols were described in any detail at all..well...it would not take much imagination to figure out just what we had. Thankfully, Gippal has them well hidden and we each have our story to tell. If we all stick well to our script, then we should be able to easily get through this without suspicion. I have full faith that Gippal will expertly spin one of his tales, that Paine will only give her usual brief answers, and that Nooj will leave no room for questions; I only hope that I will be able to put forth the whimpering, weak, confused face needed for this particular scene.

...I only wonder if the Maester who spotted me on the evening before I took the pistols will be there. It may be a bit more difficult to explain, if I have one such witness, but, then again, I was doing nothing suspicious when he spotted me; it is not as if he saw me carry the pistols back to the camp.

I am only worrying myself without need. It will be alright. If I am capable of tricking a man into an unfair duel, then what is lying to the Maesters? It is all on a decline, now, and I can only tumble where I am lead. Perhaps I am becoming the _chyga_ which Gippal always saw in me.

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That seems to have gone rather well.

We all traveled to the Maester's tent and, as would be expected, they called us in one at a time so that they could interview us individually. They called for me first and, on Gippal's advice, I hobbled in as if I could just barely manage to walk at all. I'm not entirely sure that this garnered their sympathy, but it surely gave the needed tint of helplessness to my story. With much ado, I finally settled to my chair and, after exchanging pleasantries, they asked me the expected questions about the duel and the pistols which were used. I spoke haltingly when I told them of the brief battle by the cave and, when it came to the duel, itself, I explained that I was in full hysterics at the time and that I could recall nothing of any of it; I think my story was rather helped when I took to shivering and shaking while I told them this and my look of wide-eyed shock drew a knowing smirk from one of the older Maesters...Kinoc, I think his name is. I suppose this is just exactly what they expected of me.

It was a bit odd, though. As I was leaving the tent so that Paine could have her turn, one of the Maesters called me aside. This Maester was a bit younger than the others and, by the look of him, he seemed to have at least a touch of Guado to his blood; my best guess would be that he was that new Maester, Seymour, but this is only going by what I have heard of the man and his somewhat scandalous ideas for Yevon. Regardless, he was rather sympathetic to me and, as he ushered me to the flap of the tent, he let his hand linger on my shoulder. Leaning close, he made an odd offer to help me escape these further trials but only if I were to help him. I did not have time to question what he meant by this as he returned quickly to his position, but I do not think I will speak of it to the others; we have enough troubles on our hands without the added complications of one of the Maesters making such offers. Besides, it is quite likely that I misread him and that he only wishes to help convince the other Maesters that we did nothing wrong.

That is likely it. What else could it be? Just because I was once a summoner in Yevon does not mean the Maesters would automatically be willing to forge deals with me. Even if they were, I would never accept such underhanded offers; I would far rather be with my squad than to sit in comfort while the rest of Spira suffers.

One good thing did come of these interviews, though: Paine managed to smuggle a few bottles of the Maester's best brandy as she left the tent and, allowing me to hide them under my robes, we were able to take them from right under the Maester's noses. I doubt they will even notice that the bottles are gone and, even if they do, who could say any wrongdoing occurred? It is their fault for not being more careful.

This is a war zone, after all.

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The others have fully partaken of the brandy and both Gippal and Paine seem to be quite enjoying themselves. It's very good to see them in such high spirits, even if they may somewhat regret their indulgances in the morning. I have taken none of it. I...do not feel right drinking, right now. I have too much to do and too much to think about. It simply would not be the proper thing for me to do, after all which has happened. Besides, this is finally a chance to refine those herbs and minerals which I've been gathering for days. I think I may first work on a seasickness remedy for Nooj, as it seems we will soon be aboard a boat, again.


	12. Chapter 12

197S9.9.19

If it always gives me so much time to work, I may have to ply the others with brandy more often, even if they managed quite well on their own. Honestly, I really am rather glad that Paine and Gippal both enjoyed it so well, even if they are now curled together in a corner. It's almost cute to see them lying so; I'm half tempted to try my hand at Paine's recording equipment, but I'm slightly wary of what she may do if she ever found the sphere of it. It could be worth it...

It has been quite a productive few hours, though. I have managed to refine a strong seasickness remedy which now lies in Nooj's hands; I only hope that it'll be strong enough to keep him comfortable during the next leg of our journey and that he'll remember to take it before he boards the boat. Perhaps I should ask Paine to remind him, as I believe she's the only one who could possibly get away with doing so. I also need to remember to offer her the last of the sunscreen and sunburn ointment so that her burns don't pain her too badly and so that she has a spare supply in case she ever finds herself in such conditions again.

I've managed to use all of the herbs and minerals which I've found in the desert...except for one particular type of leaf and one particularly odd bit of stone. I'm not sure of these. They are close to other types I've used before, but the scent and texture of them is quite different. I do not believe that they are poisonous, but I should be careful, regardless. If I am correct about them, though, they may be just the thing I need.

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I've decided to mix the two stray, unknown ingredients to see if they form the expected potion. Of course, until I can be sure what'll happen, I'll have to experiment on myself, but such is the price of these pursuits.

As I was working on this, Paine and Gippal awakened. They seem to still be in rather high spirits, so I suppose the brandy must have been rather strong; it tasted strong on Gippal's breath, at least, but that's not a very good indicator. If nothing else, the brandy seems to make him rather

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Thank Yevon that messenger didn't find me two minutes earlier! As it was, I had to put up with him oggling me as I stood waist-deep in the pool, but it would have been rather worse if he had found me on my back under Gippal...

Regardless, the Maesters seem to want to speak with me again. I know that they've been interviewing all who were present at the duel in hopes of finding the pistols, so I suppose they think they'll be able to pressure me into explaining exactly what happened to them. It makes sense that they would believe so; I am, after all, an ex-summoner in Yevon and they probably believe that I would be the only one willing to give them the truth in this. It's rather sad that they cannot see beyond their own ignorance, but that does seem to be a glaring fault in the religion.

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It was only more of the same.

They set the same questions as they had before and, once again, I played the part of a frightened child too trauamatized by the fact that I had killed to remember any of it. I even used the same wet-eyed stares and deep frowns as before, as well as the exaggerated hobbling whenever they asked me to walk; they seemed to accept it all fairly well, but I could see doubt behind some of their understanding smiles. I do not think they trust me, entirely. Their eyes speak this well, but it is also coming through their words; they have begun to invoke Yevon's name in their questioning of me, no doubt believing that I would never dream of lying in such circumstances, and they have made me swear oaths that I am telling the truth when I say that I know nothing of the pistols.

...what could I do? I lied. I lied as if I were lying directly to the face of Yu Yevon, himself. I did it with tears that, this time, were not entirely faked. I know that Yevon is no longer such a large part of my life, but to have lied so blantantly to our very god...

It does not matter. My loyalty now stands with Nooj, Gippal, and Paine. They have been the ones to see me through this, not Yevon. I will give anything for them and I will do it gladly. I must. It is as it must be. I will not let that Maester Seymour's words sink into my mind; he does not know of what he speaks! He does not understand the bonds which have formed between us. He does not know that the Gippal--the heathen as he called him--has shown so many more trustworthy traits than I have ever seen in so many of the 'devout'. He does not understand the magnitude of what they've done for me. He cannot see that they would never turn on me...would never betray me...would never 'leave me to rot in the sun for a mere moment of comfort or rest'. They understand nothing.

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Nooj seemed rather amused when I described for him what happened during my latest interview and, though I omitted any mention of the oaths made or of the doubts the Maesters tried to plant, he seemed rather satisfied that I had done my job rather well. He also seemed quite amused when I demonstrated my expression of wide-eyed innocence and, though he did not laugh outright, I could see the amusement dwelling in his eyes. It's an odd thing; I cannot recall ever seeing or hearing Nooj laugh, but it is somehow just as satisfying to see honest amusement in his expression or hiding in his eyes. It could just be because it is such a foreign expression for him, but it's so gratifying to know that I brought him a moment of amusement; it sounds odd to say so, but I think this may be among my favorite memories of this time, especially since it is one of the rare happy ones.

It was after this that Paine approached me as I experimented with my unknown ingredients and, though she was curious as to what I was making, I couldn't really explain to her that I've been experimenting in hopes of finding a painkiller strong enough to numb Nooj's pain. I do not wish, after all, to get hopes up before I know what I have since, for all I know, I could be brewing something very dangerous or even something hopelessly benign; I'll just have to see what comes of it after it sets for a while. Thankfully, she let the subject drop gracefully and, after a bit of chatting about the situation at hand, she turned the conversation to my current situation with Gippal.

I know that there is really no need for me to be coy about it since I'm quite sure that both Paine and Nooj are very much aware of the fact that I'm Gippal's battle boy; there is, after all, only so much room and Gippal has never been all that quiet. Still, I tried to be demure about it, but Paine managed to draw out most of the truth in her usual sly manner. I thought I would be clever by slipping in a slight exaggeration about Gippal's ability, but Paine quite easily caught me in it. Smirking, she tackled me to the ground and it soon dissolved into a playful wrestling match. When she managed to sink her fingernails into a sensitive part of my anatomy during this, I voiced a squeal which was loud enough to even wake Gippal from his drunken rest and he immediately chose to join us. After a while, we all settled and we soon decided to take turns telling tales. Before long, this evolved into a game where we would each tell a few facts of ourselves and, if we were caught in a truth, the other two would attack.

It was a very interesting game and, though it was sometimes a bit difficult to tell the truths from the lies, I believe I learned more of Paine and Gippal from this than I have from anything else; they both have so many fascinating things to share, though I do rather hope some of the things--Paine having to kill so young and Gippal being part of the group of summoner-kidnappers which took me--are lies, I'm glad to be able to know them. I, however, am utterly terrible at this game. I don't really think I got away with any of my truths...well...that's not exactly true. Neither of them took the fact that a fellow priestling once led me to and abandoned me in a strange maze below Bevelle as truth, but that does sound a lot like a lie, doesn't it? Especially when I add that I was nearly killed by a large ruby dragon. I don't recall ever seeing my father so livid with me and I couldn't even properly speak to apologize...

Gippal told the most fascinating tale, though. I believe he must have still been feeling the effects of the brandy as he described to us, in vivid detail, his Home. I know that it is only a myth and that it is something which was destroyed long ago, but the way he told it and the longing in his voice and in his eye...it was easy to think that it could well stand in these very sands. It sounded like such an odd yet fascinating place; all that machina and metal...I cannot even begin to picture it. I can understand, though, why it would hold such meaning to Gippal, aside from the fact that it's his ancestral home: it is likely the one reason Al Bhed can survive in such forbidding surroundings...well...that and the natural drive and endurance which I've witnessed within Gippal, and it likely something which lies dear to the heart of every Al Bhed. I still cannot believe he shared that with us, even if it must have been a lie. I almost wish to ask him more about it, but I'm not sure my position is good enough or that I'm close enough for him to entrust such things to me. I am, after all, still bearing Yevon's mark...

Nooj watched us as we played this game, yet he seemed wholly disinclined to join us. I'm not sure if it's only that such games are below him or if he doesn't wish to share even fabricated lies about himself; I suppose it does not matter. He is our leader. He must be above and separate from us. It is a shame, but I don't think there is anything we an do for it.

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While we were resting, the other teams arrived.

No, that's not right.

The remains of the other teams arrived. There are only two other teams--besides ours--which survived intact; the others are all decimated. Even those who survived are in rather desperate shape and they all loiter around in the sands like lost and broken toys. Nooj has agreed to allow them access to the fresh water, but even thirst can't stir some of them; some of them seem to be able to do nothing more than to sit and to stare.

Is this what the Maesters were planning, to have nothing more than broken and staring men at the end of the trek? Did they mean to leave all of us to rot in the sun?

No! I won't allow it. I know that it is supposed to be every squad and every man for himself, but there is a point where this meaningless competition fails to matter; if I can comfort them, then I must. If I can ease their pain--physical or mental--then it is my duty to do so. I may no longer be a typical priest of Yevon, but I am still a human being.


	13. Chapter 13

197S9.9.19

I believe I've done all I can for the scattered members of the other teams, though I'll continue to check on them until we leave. After all, it is the least I can do to make up for the Maesters' negligence and, besides, I have never seen a group of bodies more in need; their sicknesses and their wounds must be old for how they have festered and, in a few cases, poisoned limbs were lopped off without any consideration of other means of care, leaving infected stumps in their wake.

Is this always how such wounds are treated in fighting battalions or is it only because there are none here who are trained in healing? I would think, though, that even laymen would know the basic cures for poison and, even if not, that they would find a better means than cutting away an entire arm for a small poisoned wound in the wrist. Even if they had no antidotes and didn't know that the native plants carry natural anti-toxins, couldn't they figure out that they could draw the poison out with their mouths? It is a crude means, but it is surely better than resorting to cutting away an otherwise healthy limb. It makes me wonder why the men were not briefed in such things before they were sent to this place, but that could be my own ignorance of the normal way of the military. Perhaps I was just spoiled in that I was grouped together with a competent leader who clearly knows what must be done and how best to reach our goals. Perhaps I was spoiled because my group is able to work smoothly together to use our natural skills to survive. Maybe we had an advantage over them in this, but, then again, we worked hard to discover and to use these skills; it should not then be a source of guilt, correct? Normally, I would think so, but, when I cast my eyes out to the loose groups of survivors, I can only see Dani weeping quietly to himself.

Dani is the only survivor of Squad Four, their recorder. Ever since he arrived, he's only sat on the very edge of the gathered bodies and, rocking himself gently, he does nothing but cry. I have not seen anyone--aside from Paine who seems to know him from her days as a blitzball recorder--try to reach out to him and it seems that the others are only waiting for him to succumb to the weight of his grief. It's a terrible thing to see, but it's also understandable; the survivors have no time for the weak, those who will probably be dead in a few hours, and it seems so obvious that Dani will no longer even lift a hand to care for himself. I wonder how he managed to make it this far in such a state, but I would not dare to voice such a question.

I went to him after I had finished tending the others, but he did not even blink to acknowledge my presence; he only stared through me and, though I spoke to him in my softest tones, he either did not hear or he was too far gone to respond. I can see no severe wounds on his body, but, even before I went to him, I knew that the physical was not the source of his trouble; he is so far gone in his mind that he seems to no longer be able to sense or to realize the physical. I held water in my hands for him to drink, but he would not part his lips; in the end, I had to force his mouth to open so that I could pour the water into it and then I had to tip back his head so that he would swallow. I do not know how he will survive what remains of the journey, especially since none of the other survivors have any interest in helping him and he seems stubbornly opposed to doing anything to perserve himself. I do not know what to do for him. I cast him to sleep before I left, but it is a weak solution. I'm tempted to try to appeal to the Maesters on his behalf, but I am slightly afraid of what they'd suggest.

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I have finished the painkiller I was brewing for Nooj and, after swallowing some myself, I can declare that it comes with no apparent side-effects. It managed to completely dull the ache in my hip and, though this is likely nothing compared to the pain Nooj must be in, I have hope that it'll be enough to relieve him. It is, after all, supposed to be one of the strongest tonics we're allowed to brew and, by strict rules of the church, it is only supposed to be administered in a situation where there is no hope for complete recovery, much like this one. I only hope that it is enough to dull Nooj's pain and that it'll ease his wariness a bit so that he may be able to see that there is more to life and existence than pain and darkness. It may be a feeble hope, but I'll simply be grateful if it manages to make things even marginally better for him.

Naturally, I have given the pills to Paine so that she may distribute them to Nooj as needed. After all, I don't think Nooj would be too glad to realize that I know of his current burden and, further, that I found it to be so pitiful that I was stirred to help him; not that I aided him through pity, but I am rather afraid that's how Nooj may see it. I imagine it must be terribly difficult for someone as he to ever ask help, so it makes it all the more important that we try to be aware of when he is in most need of us, right? It is likely what allowed us to survive the long trek through the desert and it may be what allows us to see this trial through to the end.

197S9.9.20

Praise Yevon, Nooj accepted the pills!

He did so last evening, by Paine's hand, and he seems to already be feeling the effects, this morning. It is hard to know, without questioning him, exactly how well the painkiller worked, but he does seem to be moving with more ease and more freedom; I cannot even begin to describe how glad this makes me! If these painkillers work so well for him, then, perhaps, I can find something which will stir Dani from his stupor; I have not given up hope on that yet!

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Gippal's gone back to sleep, but I think this is only because I bested him five times in a row in the simple dice game--_beka_, he called it--which he taught me last evening. He is a good man, honestly, but he has an ego to rival that of Yevon; I will simply make sure I didn't wound it too badly later.

For now, I believe I should go check on Dani. I have not seen him come to the pool to wash nor to drink and I rather fear that none of the other survivors would think to help him; it is a sad state of affairs, but I believe I may have to bribe one of them into taking care of him. Hmph, having to bribe men into helping their fellow man; what has become of the spirit of charity or even to our common bond as human beings? It seems to be as lost as the souls of those who died in the desert. It is a desperately sad notion, but I have no idea what may be done for it.

Well, nothing is being done while I sit here and write on the moral decay of Spira, is it? If no one else is willing to do so, then I will bring Dani to the water and help him to refresh himself.

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Dani shows no improvement since yesterday.

He allowed me to lead him into the cave and into the water, but I have the feeling that he would have just as easily followed me into the mouth of a fiend. He made no move to disrobe himself when we came to the water's edge and, even in the water, he was just as content to stand as to do anything else. In the end, it was I who had to scrub him clean and, even then, he showed none of the expected pleasure in the cool freshness of the water; he showed no indication that he was even aware that he had been moved.

I can guess that he must have seen something terrible out in the desert and this is what is causing him to shut down; the only thing I cannot guess is how to pull him back from this state. If the wound is mental, it is far more difficult to treat; it is not impossible, necessarily, but it is hard to know what would help and what would only deepen the existing wound. I am hoping that the compound I'm about to mix will stimulate him, both physically and mentally, so that he may at least be able to share his pain. I do not honestly think that there is a potion which can cure him, but it might be a good stimulus to indicate the healing which he so deeply needs.

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That paste was not...

...I...I do not think I will be giving that compound to Dani, after all; it is quite a stimulant, but not in the way which Dani needs. I am only glad that it is my habit to experiment on myself before giving any cure to anyone else, even if I'm not sure Gippal feels the same way about it.

It was...I'm not entirely sure which ingredient caused it, but it was one of the strongest sexual stimulants I have ever encountered. The moment I took it, I felt much as I usually do after Gippal has spent many long moments running his talented fingers over my skin and teasing me. I was so ready and so desperate that I felt as if I couldn't wait another second for relief. I needed Gippal; I wanted him as I never wanted anything before. I didn't give him a chance to reject me; I kissed him as hard as he had kissed me when he was under the brandy's influence and I all but tore the clothes from him. I...took him. It was the first time I was ever in a position over him, but it felt as if it had to be in that way; nothing else would have satisfied.

It was an incredible experience and the release I found in it was beyond anything I have ever felt before; the only problem is that I'm not sure Gippal enjoyed it quite as much. I believe it may have been his first time to be in such a position and I know that it can be painful, especially when your partner is not being especially careful. Since then, I've noticed that he's been giving furtive glances to the rest of us, almost as if he's afraid that he's now wearing some mark of the fact that I took position over him; it's almost cute, even if it does make me feel a touch guilty. I suppose I'll just forget the compound and, if he desires it, I'll allow him to reclaim his rightful place, later tonight...even if I might be tempted to try this again, sometime.

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We're soon to break camp so that we can make ready for the last part of our journey. Paine and I just finished a final round of healing for those still in need and, as I'm not sure we'll need them so much from now on, I've left a supply of potions, ointments, and treatments with each of the groups so that they'll be able to tend themselves. Of course, as we'll likely all be together on the boat, they'll probably still seek us out, but at least the attempt has been made to make them somewhat self-reliant.

Dani is another case, entirely. He still shows no signs of recovering and I have little hope that he'll ever be able to fully function on his own. Against my best judgment, I've decided to bribe another of the recorders--the one from Team Three--to help Dani as much as he is able so that he may be able to, at least, make it back to the mainland. Once there, maybe they'll be able to entrust him to the care of a temple so that he'll have the care he truly needs. It is a bleak outlook, but there is little that can be done for one who does not wish to recover.


	14. Chapter 14

197S9.9.21

It's getting harder to sleep.

By rights, I should be exhausted after expending this much energy and I will admit that my body is quite fatigued; it's just my mind that will not allow me to rest. I keep thinking of all we've been through since we arrived on this island and that leads me to wonder what will come next. If they've already exposed us to something which reduced a large number of strong, healthy men to a dispirited and injured mass, what further could they do to make us into a fighting force? Does the fact that only three squads came through mostly unmarred testify to the fact that we're so much better or is it just that we were the few lucky ones? What kept us from ending this in the same state as those who will have to adjust to the loss of normal bodily function or those who will never be mentally whole again? What, exactly, are the Maesters planning for us?

...it scares me.

It truly scares me to think what we may have to further endure under the Maesters' watchful eyes. It scares me that they and their priests can sit in comfort while those injured in their futile trials must suffer without their aid. I can understand that warriors cannot depend on others for relief, but, in this case, what good does their suffering bring? It only makes them more likely to be killed during the continued trials and, if that is what the Maesters want, then why not just shoot them now and be done with it?

I almost dread boarding the boat later today. I dread the thoughts which will not leave my mind in peace. Every time I close my eyes, I can only picture one of us--Nooj or Gippal or Paine--in the same state as Dani and it chills me to the marrow. What do we have which could protect us from that...or from something worse? There is nothing. There is no strength nor any alchemic compound nor any spell which could protect against such damage; even the unbreakable will that seems common to this squad likely would not be enough, if something horrific happened. We would be helpless in its face.

I should not entertain these thoughts, not when I have such a wonderful source of comfort so near at hand. I know that I likely rely on Gippal a bit too much, but, in these dark hours, who will notice? Nooj is busy with Paine and all the other survivors are too deeply involved with themselves to care for much else; it is not a sin to seek comfort in another and, if I just curl against his side, then I will not even have to wake him.

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The Maesters summoned me so that they could question me about the pistols again.

Their desperation is starting to show; they no longer put up any pretense that they have only a casual interest in the weapons' whereabouts and any professional courtesy they once showed me is gone. They asked pointed questions and, as before, I stammered that I simply could not remember anything. It was the same old dance to the same old tune...

...well, almost.

I don't know what brought it to the forefront of my mind--it could have been the boredom of being interrogated in the same manner for the third or fourth time or it could be because I was thinking of the pistols; regardless of the source, I started to think of the fact that Gippal has had them hidden since the duel and, from that, I was led to think of the night when I took that strange stimulant. Naturally, the events which followed taking it are not exactly clear, even now, but I do remember that Gippal forcefully shoved my hands away from his belt when I was trying to remove his pants. In itself, this is not overly odd, but he has been doing that same thing ever since the duel. Beyond that, I can remember that I was stroking what I thought to be Gippal, but, if that was he, then he was more firm than I ever knew a man could get...

The Maesters interrupted me before I could follow these thoughts any further and, caught in remembering such a moment, I know that must have flushed. Naturally, they took this as a show of guilt and renewed their questioning. The pistol's grip still on my mind, I spoke of it before I could stop myself and, from their expressions, I could see that they thought they were seconds away from victory. They continued to press, but I only took the time to roll my eyes and to act as if I were trying as hard as I could to remember. In the end, I offered the fact that the pistol had odd crimson runes on the grip and that it must have been quite important to have been marked so. The look on the Maesters' faces when I spoke this...I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing outright. Soon after this, they dismissed me and, returning to the cave, I related the story to the others. Naturally, I left out my suspicions about Gippal, but everyone seemed rather amused by the tale, all the same.

I do have to wonder, though: I know that Gippal was the one responsible for hiding and disposing of the pistols but would he keep them on his person like that? Could he _stand_ to have something so mangled and unholy so near to him? Has he been bearing them all along as a reminder or is he just waiting for the right moment to be rid of them?

I'm almost tempted to ask him about it, but, in truth, I really don't want to know. It is a horribly childish way of thinking, but I do not want to know nor to think about them; I'm happy in my ignorance, but...if he does have to carry them...it's not really proper that he should have to bear them on his own, is it? He shouldn't have to carry such a burden unaided.

I don't know...I really don't know. I want to help him, but bringing it up might be opening the wound anew. I suppose I'll just let the thought lie for now. There is no need to bring it up when there is already so much to think about and I know that he would not be carrying them of his own will.

There was good news, though! Nooj has taken the lead over all the remnants of the various squads for the remainder of this trial. He's already divided the recruits among us: He has taken command of all the healthy recruits, Paine is fighting at his side, Gippal has taken the stragglers, and I am keeping over the injured. It's a wonderful plan and far better than anything the Maesters would have suggested. They, after all, seem happy to stay close behind us, well protected under their veil of spells. It doesn't even occur to them that it would be so much better if they were to be with us, to march with us and to help us to tend to those who are injured. I know that they have more healing ability than I; why aren't they helping us with their skill instead of tagging along in complete safety and comfort? It's as if they know nothing of how things should be run...

It is likely just my tired mind, but, as we four march to the beach in this formation, it's so easy to imagine us as leading so much more than four separate, small groups of worn warriors; it's so easy to see Paine and Nooj rallying together all the warriors in Spira to face Sin, then, when Sin has fallen, settling to positions of leadership. It's so easy to see Gippal gathering together the scattered Al Bhed and, in a time of new peace, spreading the knowledge and understanding of machina to people who have come to realize the worth of his people. And me? I do not know. Perhaps I would return to Bevelle and, in the place of Yevonism, I could spread the truth...the _real _truth which has been hidden for so long.

...ahahah. The sun must be affecting me if I'm giving thought to such daydreams.

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I have never seen anything so...

Gippal wrestled a sandworm!

I do not know how he knew it would be there, but, as soon as it breached the surface, he was on its back. I could not see exactly what he did to it as I was a bit busy tending to those injured in the last attack by the poison lizards, but what I could see what simply...astounding. I've never seen anything like it in my life and I still don't know whether to laugh, to applaud Gippal's sheer bravado, or to hit him for doing something so needlessly reckless. For how he's swaggering around, he does seem rather proud of himself for it, though, and I know that the water which he freed from the sandworm's skin will be very useful; I suppose I really can't do anything but laugh.

Another wonderful skill shown at the most random of moments; I have to wonder what we'll see next.

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Finally, the beach!

Well, we've actually been here for a while now, but we had to rid the shore of all the fiends before we could allow the rest to follow. It did not take much to defeat the strange eyeball monsters--I knocked them from the air and Paine squished them under her boots--and Nooj and Gippal made short work of the odd snake-like fiends. It was odd, though; as we were fighting, we were all taken with such euphoria that even Nooj had to laugh and, covered in the remains of the fiends, we all ran into the surf as soon as the beach was clear. In the cool water, we wrestled and splashed and I even tackled Gippal at the water's edge. Thankfully, I managed to find my senses before I kissed him in full view of the rest of the recruits, but at least I was not the only one affected so; Nooj nearly kissed Paine before dunking her into the water. Really, it's rather nice to see them in such high spirits, but everyone seems to be in high spirits ever since we've taken the shore.

...well, nearly everyone.

Dani continues to sit off on his own and, though I tried to draw him into the surf so that he could enjoy the water, he backed away with a faint whimper. I suppose I should be glad that he showed some sign of life, but I'm more worried that he doesn't even wish to take water, now; is this just a sign that he's committed to allowing himself to waste away?

I tried to appeal to the Maesters on his behalf, earlier, but they claimed that they could do nothing...that it would be showing favoritism if they were to allow Dani passage back to the mainland and to release him from the trials.

Such blatant lies! It would not be favoritism; it would be doing a favor for a very sick man! Cannot they even see that Dani has no hope of surviving these trials? Don't they realize that they best we can do for him is to allow him to be seen by one of the temple healers? Or is it only that they don't care for any of us, that it's nothing to them that we may suffer and die by their negligence? I cannot believe that I ever looked up to or admired such cruel men; what could I have been thinking?

I suppose there is nothing I can do, aside from continuing to look after Dani. Perhaps, once we reach the mainland, I can find a way to sneak him out of camp and to the nearest temple; it would not be hard to convince the Maesters that he had just wandered away. If they don't believe that, then I'll just take whatever punishment they may offer; it'd be worth it.

Enough of this, the sun is about to set and I believe I see a secluded area behind a few trees; perhaps I can finally make up to Gippal for the missed sunset and the missed sea spray kissed closeness from the last boat ride.


	15. Chapter 15

197S9.9.22

We're underway, again.

Early this morning, a second wave of fiends swarmed the shore, but, instead of letting us fight them, the Maesters insisted that we hurry to board the boats. It was nothing we couldn't handle--the same flying fiends and snakes as before--but I suppose the Maesters just wanted to be sure all were safe...or that they would be safe, anyway. Through a little help from the healthier members of the other squads, we managed to get the injured aboard without any incident and they're now resting comfortably in the two rooms below deck previously used by the female recruits. Naturally, there's no need for them to be used in that manner, now, as Paine is the only female still active in the training and both she and Nooj have made it plain that she has no interest in such things. It has made a rather interesting change, though: at least three of the scattered recruits approached me, but at least they seemed to be willing to take no for an answer. I only wonder what Gippal would say...

...no, I shouldn't be thinking like that. It would be the same to lie with them as it is to lie with him, right? What would be different? I'm just as a battle boy to him...aren't I?

...why doesn't it feel that way? When did it change? Is it because he sacrificed so much for me, because, if it weren't for him--and Nooj and Paine, as well--I'd be dead in the sands...if I even managed to make it that far? I probably wouldn't have made it past the first days of training if it weren't for him; I would have shot myself with _Pahho_ or I would have begged to be taken back to the temple rather than have to face Nooj. I wouldn't have any of the confidence I have now and I'd still be shaking like a child at the slightest hint of danger, if he hadn't supported me. I can still remember so clearly that first night when I cried in his arms with his fluids thick on my skin...I was so afraid that I had condemned myself that I couldn't see just how much it meant. I've come past that. Now, when I lie in his arms and watch him sleep, it's one of the most peaceful moments I have ever known and it surpasses even the feeling of kneeling before the Fayth.. It means so much...and _he_ means so much.

...I don't want to be separate from him. I know it's an impossibility in this situation, but, whatever comes when this is over, I want to be where he is. I've even started to entertain the idea that we could all--Gippal, Nooj, Paine, and myself--demand an assignment to the same squad or, at least, to the same area. It's probably just a foolish daydream--the Maesters would probably scatter us across the globe simply out of spite--but it's so tempting; even for all the horrible things I've experienced, this has been one of the greatest times of my life...and it's all because of them.

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Thankfully, Nooj seems to be taking this boat ride much better than he had the last. I haven't had a lot of time to watch him to be sure that the medicines are doing what they should, but, the few times I did spot him, he seemed to be moving with more ease...and at least he's not laid up below deck, weak and desperately ill. I'm so glad that those pills are working well for him, though I think I'm really just glad that I've found one small way to repay him all he's done for me since I arrived; I don't think I can ever fully repay him--or even fully thank him--for making me into a stronger, more useful man, but at least I can offer a few small signs of my gratitude. How far he's brought me from that child who could do no more than cower and cry before him...

There's really not much to do now that we're on the boat and I'm a bit afraid the restlessness will soon begin to settle again. In hope of keeping that from happening, I decided to work on refining the remaining herbs and minerals on the deck, even if we may not have as much desperate need of them from here on in; it's likely better to have an excess of them rather than to be in desperate need of a remedy with none on hand. I decided to take Dani with me with the hope that he'd take interest, but he really did nothing more than just stare at the water. At least the fresh air probably did him well...

After a while, Paine joined us on deck and, though it started with her helping with the herbs, it soon turned into one of our usual chats. For a while, we discussed what we thought the next leg of the trial would be, but neither of us had any real strong ideas about it, aside than that we both assume it'll have to be less stressful than the trek through the desert. I'm...still not really sure how the topic of Gippal and myself came up. I think it may be because we were discussing how we both really don't want to have the squad split up once this is over, but the transition was so smooth that I can't really be sure; Paine always could get information out of me so easily and I often find myself telling her things which I had intended to keep to myself. I really can't be upset about it, though; I trust her implicitly and she's become such an older sister to me that I really can't begrudge her anything. Regardless, she seems to think I should just be honest about it.

I don't know. I...just don't know.

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Just as the sun was setting, the boat came to a temporary halt and, wanting to take advantage of this, Gippal asked me to come swimming with him; how could I refuse?

We both stripped down to our undergarments and, though Gippal jumped directly into the water from the ship's stern, I decided to freefall. I could see that Gippal found this amusing--it's hard not to notice the glint in his eye when he finds something really funny--but it didn't matter; even his amusement couldn't keep me from enjoying the caress of the warm air as I fell, followed by the cool embrace of the water. That always had been one of my favorite things, even if I rarely got to actually go swimming, and it was somehow made better by the fact that Gippal was there to share it with me. He seemed to be intent on repaying me for my antics on the shore, though, and he dunked me quite a few times. I had always been able to hold my breath for quite an impressive amount of time--just a natural habit enhanced by the fact that the other priestlings always seemed to want to dunk me--and, one of the times he held me under water, I decided to teach Gippal a little lesson.

So, now Gippal is aware of what happens when one has a weak ice spell cast on the crotch of his undergarments and, though he was less than pleased with me, I don't think he was all that injured; it certainly didn't keep him from teaching me a lesson, in turn. By the time the lesson was through, the first of the moons was rising and, watching it with my arms around Gippal, I couldn't keep myself from speaking.

I told him. As quietly as I could, I murmured into his ear that I had grown quite attached to him and that I didn't want to be away from him, when all this was over. I don't know what made me admit it--it could simply be the romance of watching the moonrise over the ocean--but I think I'm glad that I did; he did, after all, admit that he's gotten attached to me, as well. I...won't read too much into that, but it does make me very glad; maybe it is possible that we can remain together, no matter what the terms of our relationship may be. I think I'd be happy even if I could just be beside him...

After a while, we returned to the ship and, once I dried off and redressed, Paine and I checked in on the injured for the final time that night. Once that was finished, we all went to deck and, under the stars, we just talked for a while. It may be odd to say so, but I think these are the things which will stand out brightest in my memory: Nooj leaning against the railing and watching us through his glasses, not really participating, but obviously listening...Paine at his side, her arms crossed over her chest and a slight smirk on her lips every time Gippal or I made an inane comment...Gippal all but bouncing with energy and chattering through all the pauses in conversation. It's a small and unimportant thing, but the togetherness and peace among us in those moments are almost holy.

I did notice something odd while we were on deck, though.

I know it's no longer necessary for me to do so, but I've continued to use the stars to map our progress toward the mainland, if just to keep myself in practice. The odd thing is that, if I'm reading them correctly, the stars tell that we're heading almost directly back toward Mushroom Rock. That's simply ludicrous, though. It can't be true. The Maesters wouldn't drag us out to the desert only to return us back to where we started, would they? Even they couldn't be that cruel. I must simply be reading them wrong. I'm probably disoriented or too tired to read them properly. I ought to get some rest.

...as soon as I take care of Gippal's still slightly damp clothing. They ought to dry up in the crow's nest and I'm sure that he'll find them in the morning...


	16. Chapter 16

197S9.9.23

I think Gippal may have been a bit too enthusiastic last night; I feel as sore as if I had ridden a chocobo bareback for many miles and yet he lies there sleeping contently, his mouth shaped in a calm smile and his body sprawled shamelessly.

It's a bit odd. He has such a sleek tone to all his body-- it reminds me much of the sandy-colored cat which would hang around the temple in hopes of being offered milk and treats by the younger priests--and his limbs are all so long, so graceful; he doesn't give the impression of strength so much as of energy. Even the soft tan of his skin and the way his torso arches a bit when I run my fingers over the natural planes of his chest...the way his fingers twitch slightly, even in his sleep, as if he's building and working, even in his dreams...that one rare ticklish spot just above the ridge of his hip that, when poked in sleep, simply makes him squirm, but, when poked in waking, makes him laugh freely and strongly...

I think I want to memorize him like this: completely calm and at rest, not troubled by anything in the world. I want to have this moment to remember, in case our plans fail and we end up separated. I want to remember the quiet, peaceful moments we've shared so I can know that some solid good came out of this seemingly fruitless adventure. I want to remember moments like the long talks the four of us have had on the deck of this ship, no one to overhear us but the water and the stars and no shame in laughing and acting freely, even for the most reserved of us. I want to remember how it feels to share our thoughts and dreams and to be able to believe in them fully: to know that Paine will have her airship so that she can freely explore all of Spira...that Gippal will work as her engineer, keeping everything in perfect working order...that I will act as her navigator, guiding us on our journeys and keeping us steady on the path...and that Nooj, of course, will be our captain, standing around, looking important, and working us like dogs...but also being our strength and our courage.

...Yevon, I really don't want to be apart from any of them...

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One of the Maesters pulled me aside as I made my way below deck.

Apparently, one of the priests has gone missing and he's presumed to have gone overboard. Though the priest could just have lost his footing, the Maesters obviously want to find a scapegoat and, as I'm the only of the recruits with strong ties to religion, they likely thought I would be more than willing to offer some leads; they probably just hoped that I would indicate that Gippal must have done it.

As it is, I simply informed him that it could not have been any of Squad Five as we were all together on deck for the majority of the evening and we didn't see anything out of sorts. Of course, I left out the fact that the four of us split into pairs as the evening wore on, but it seems unnecessary to give such information; it's not as if any of us would do such a thing, no matter how we feel about the priests and Maesters, right?

This wasn't the only unexpected thing to happen while I was making my rounds; I also learned of a rumor that the Maesters have hired a great Al Bhed-made weapon to use against Sin. Everyone who speaks of it seems so excited about the prospect, but they cannot see the darker background to it. They do not know--or perhaps do not care!--that Yevon has strictly forbidden the use of such things and they do not seem to understand that it would only be making the situation worse to use such a weapon. There's also the fact that it would be a blatant insult to all the Summoners who gave their lives to defeat Sin. It also worries me to think how the Maesters could have gotten their hands on such a weapon. I rather doubt that any Al Bhed would willingly give such a weapon to ones who would just as likely turn around and use it on them. It only makes me wonder how much blood has already tainted this glorious weapon and it hasn't eve

Gippal's staring at me.

...or is he looking at...

No. No, he's definitely staring at me. He's staring hard at me every time he takes a break from typing on his machina journal. I wonder what he's writing about that he has to keep looking at me like that...or maybe he's trying to glare? He's probably still upset about having to wear that 'borrowed' uniform, even if it does look surprisingly nice on him. Well, he's not the only one who has reason to glare. He's not the one who had to hobble around like an arthritic grandfather.

Okay. If I keep this up, I'm going to have to laugh.

I'll concede victory to Gippal, for now, so that I can go check on our captain.

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Nooj seems to be both in good health and in good spirits. Naturally, I could do no more than ask after his health--I think he'd swat me like a fly if I ever tried to do anything more--but the set of his body and the tone of his voice both speak of more comfort than I'd seen on him before; I guess those pills truly are working well for him...or perhaps it's the uninterrupted time with Paine? It would not be wise for me to speculate on it, I know, but I can imagine that the shared time must work wonders for the both of them...or perhaps I'm simply projecting my own thoughts onto them? I cannot know, but it's so good to see them find comfort and strength in each other. Even if all four of us cannot stay together, I pray that, at least, Nooj and Paine may be allowed to continue in their relationship; it does them both so much good...

He asked me if I'd like for him to put in a request for me to be assigned to either the medical or the chaplaincy corps when all this is through and, though I would have jumped at this offer only a few short weeks ago, I simply could not accept. I wanted to tell him, right then, that I'd only serve in a squad where he would be the captain, but I could just picture the expression he'd give me at such silly sentimentalism...if he didn't give me a swat for being so childish. It may be different if the three of us speak it to him in one mind, but to hear it just from me...well, I imagine he wouldn't be pleased to know that I've come to see him as anything but a commanding officer, at any rate. So, I simply told him that Gippal and I were hoping that we could be assigned to the same squad when all this is through. I don't think he holds much hope that this will come true, but I have to hold onto hope, no matter how dim it might seem sometimes; it might be the only thing which will pull us through this mess.

As I was leaving, I slipped a supply of those strong pain relievers into his hand. It was odd, but, for a moment, I had the strong impulse to actually take his hand, to squeeze it gently between my own in a show of affection. It was a foolish thought, though, so I simply gave him the pills, then left.

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Gippal finally managed to convince me to tell him where his clothes were hidden and, though I offered to get them for him, he insisted on climbing up to the crow's nest on his own, much to the delight of everyone who watched. I have to admit that it was rather funny, even if I'll likely be paying for this for nights to come and even if I had to brush the dried sea salt from his clothing. While I was doing this, I breached the subject of the weapon rumor--who better to ask of it than an Al Bhed--and he seemed to think that it's quite possible. I wanted to ask him how he felt about this merging of his culture and the Maesters, but it just seemed too insensitive to do so; it'd likely be akin to asking me how it felt if there were an Al Bhed summoner or something close to it. It still worries me, though, to think of those things blending in that manner; it just does not seem natural...

I also asked him if he thought we should approach Paine about our intention of staying together as a squad under Nooj when this training ends and he readily agreed. From our conversation yesterday, I know that Paine seems eager to stay with Nooj, but I'm not sure if that expands to include us, as well. I suppose the best way to find out is to ask...

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It's been agreed: we three are going to utterly refuse to serve under anyone but Nooj, orders be damned. Of course, Nooj's opinion on this is still unknown, but there's the small chance that he may be as eager as we to stay together...or perhaps he can be convinced that this is a good idea through other means. Maybe if we promise that we'll work ourselves to the bone for him, it'll convince him that we're serious; I really don't think any of us would mind. Honestly, I think we'd be more than glad to do anything he orders of us...

From this topic, the conversation veered to the rumors and, just as we began to talk of the implications of the weapon, Nooj joined us. Neither he nor Paine had much to add to the conversation, so it was mostly Gippal and I going back and forth. I still refuse to believe that it is anything but rumor; it is a horrible fact, but the Maesters would never use such a thing. They would not allow it, let alone sponsor it. They've been using Summoners to face down Sin for a thousand years...why would they suddenly change their mind and embrace the methods of a race which they claim to have _caused_ the problem? Yes, they've come far enough to allow some machina, but to sanction such a thing...no, it would be outside of even their methods. Beyond that, the thought of what they must have done to convince the Al Bhed to help them to build it...

Gippal seems to hold the hope that it'd have to work, that it'd be more than enough to topple Sin and..I want to believe as he does. I want to be so certain that this can work, but...it honestly scares me. It may only be because I am so steeped in my faith that its biases still cling, but..I can't even imagine a machina like that, let alone what manner of damage it could do in the wrong hands. It's such a sad, scary thought...

I grew silently lost in my thoughts for a while and, by the time I came back to the conversation, it had moved on to the prospect of a new Calm. Of course, none of us can remember the last Calm very well--I only have vague memories of standing at my room's window and watching people celebrate in the streets before my father yelled at me to return to my studies so that the next Calm could be my own--so it would be a wholly new thing for us. I'd like to think that it would be a time of complete peace and new understanding, that it could possibly be the stretch of needed time for the horrors of the past to be put behind us so we could all come together...but, of course, that'd require Yevon to shift its position--something I cannot possibly see happening, under its current rule.

Nooj seems to carry no hope for the Calm. He said that he thinks it would be boring and, though I found it funny at the time, his words bother me, now that I have time to think about them. It's so foolish of me, but I had thought--no, hoped--that finding support and sympathy in Paine would help him. I had hoped that lessening the pain of his body would pull him back from his desperation. I even thought kinship with the rest of us would draw him back, but...it did nothing. It hasn't changed anything. He's still Deathseeker. He's still just as likely to walk into the first honorable death he finds and there's nothing we can do, other than to treasure the time we have with him.

I don't want to dwell in these thoughts, not tonight.

I...wonder if Gippal would mind if I came to him tonight. I know that he has a right to be angry with me after all I've done to him, but there's no better comfort than the warmth of his arms. I..really need him, tonight. Haha, what am I saying? I've needed him every night. I think I'm coming to just need him, period. It doesn't matter when or why, I just need him. I need to be by him and with him. I need to see that infuriatingly casual smirk and to hear that full, honest laugh. I need to see all his moods reflected in the wonderful swirl of his eye. I need to feel those incredibly callused hands and to hold those incredibly talented fingers.

...I'm really so lost into him. There's no denying it. There's no denying how this feels...or what these feelings are. It's so incredibly foolish of me, but...well...it need not be known to anyone but me and the pages of this journal.


	17. Chapter 17

197S9.9.24

I...must be seeing things.

Those cliffs...they can't be.

I refuse to believe it. It must be a part of Mount Gagazet or maybe the cliffs near the Calm Lands.

They couldn't have...

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They did.

We're back on Mushroom Rock Road.

When he realized this, Nooj broke into a string of invective the likes of which I've never heard and Gippal howled his amusement; I honestly thought he'd rupture something for how hard he was laughing. Even Paine seemed amused by it. I...cannot see the humor in this. I just don't understand any of this at all.

Why would they take us out to the torture of the desert only to return us to where we started? What was the point of that? Why does it seem as if they were just trying to cull the numbers, to make us less of an army and more of an unsorted assemblage of men? Do they want us all to die? Are the Maesters and their priests trying to kill those of us who volunteered to take up weapons against Sin? Are we just to be fodder, even if we do survive? Was I always so blind that I could put my unerring faith in these men who seem to know nothing and who will not even lift a hand to save another's life?

Every time I think of the Maesters and their decisions, I seem to find only questions and no answers. I cannot even begin to guess what the point of any of this is and I'm scared to think of the implications of that. No, maybe not scared of the implications...maybe scared that I had been such an unthinking sheep under their word and influence. If they cannot handle even a small group of men with skill, how can they handle the souls of those who believe? How can they guide the faith of all who follow Yevon, if they cannot even guide a broken army of men? How can they truly speak Yevon's Word with such filthy lips?

I cannot believe that I once would have laid my life down for them!

...but it wouldn't have been just for them. It would have been for all the souls in Spira, for all those who would have lived in the Calm, free of Sin and free of worry. Even if the Maesters are corrupt, the idea and the hope behind the Summoning must still be true, right? That, at least, cannot be shaken.

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Once again, our orders are to wait and they'll announce our final trial tomorrow.

I must have looked a little upset when this was announced because Gippal decided to tackle me. Naturally, this quickly devolved into our usual bout of wrestling in the dirt, but the usual competitiveness and fight of it was gone; it really just seemed more of a chance for us to be close together and to be able to touch each other freely...or maybe it was just Gippal's way of distracting me from the worry that we won't have a chance to be like this again.

When I went to him last night, I told him that I was so afraid that it would be the last time we'd be able to be together and he did his best to assure me that it'd be alright, that, even if we were separated, we'd still find a way to be together. It was so easy to believe that when he was holding me, when I could see and feel and taste him; now, while we sit here and wait for the Maesters to determine our fate, it's not so easy.

I know this should be the last of my concerns, but it weighs so heavily on me. He's become so close, so important to me that I can hardly imagine not waking up to that groggy, adorable grin. He's opened my eyes and shown me so much that I'm almost afraid that I'll regress back to the blind little priestling if he were to go. I've become so attached that I can't even pretend to believe, any longer, that this's just a case of two friends using each other as a way to relieve built up stress. Of course, if that is true, then it's likely good that our time is coming to a close; I'd hate to see the shock--or maybe even the revulsion--in Gippal's eye if he were able to discern my true thoughts in a moment of passion.

If he needs me to just be his battle boy, then that is what I'll be for him.

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It's so odd to be back in this place where it all started, to see the place where we made our first camp as Squad Five and to visit the range on which Gippal taught us all to shoot; it may sound odd for me to say so, but this place almost seems haunted.

I swear that I can almost see the four of us as we were then--a mismatched group more likely to kill than to help each other--and it shocks me when I compare it to how we are, now. I cannot imagine what allowed us to grow into this cohesive squad--let alone into a group of close friends--but I am so thankful for it. I can't really trace when or why the changes happened, but what does it matter? We carried each other through. We learned to grow and to adapt to fill each other's weaknesses. We taught and we helped each other to survive whatever pain the Maesters put before us and we not only triumphed; we also found strength and comfort and kinship in each other, the likes of which I've never experienced. No matter what happens tomorrow, we can say that we truly won, just for these facts.

...it is a bit odd, though.

Ever since we returned to the shooting range, Nooj and Paine have both been acting a bit odd. They both seem to be moving and acting as if in a daze and I have yet to see them really tear their eyes from each other; this is probably why Paine neglected to load her gun properly and ended up falling onto her back. Thankfully, she was uninjured by this and, when Nooj helped her to her feet, she looked as if she had never been happier. I'm so glad that they've finally managed to find the happiness they've so needed in each other and I only hope that they find a way to preserve it through this trial; maybe, tomorrow, I'll have another reason to fight. Maybe I can try to protect them both, so that they can continue in the euphoria they found in each other.

Some good may yet survive through this.

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Gippal taught me a bit about cooking a fellant, tonight, and I offered my Yunalesca's Tears to season it. Of course, I didn't tell him that the herb I crumbled over it had a strong part in the Summoner's tradition--I don't think he nor the others would have eaten it if I had--but it only seemed appropriate. No, this wasn't my last meal before going to claim the Final Summon, but it could well have been the last meal I will have with the people who are closer to me than blood; if I cannot share this bit of myself and my memories with them, then with whom could I?

The strong salt taste was a good reminder of the sea we crossed--twice--to come to where we are, as well as all those who were not strong enough to make it...even if the others seemed to think it was a bit too salty. Gippal said as much and, before I could stop myself, I answered that it was like the sea, much as I had said about him the night before. I saw a glint of recognition in his eye, but I'm still not sure if he took that as the compliment I meant it as. I wasn't sure how to convey this to him, so I simply smiled and inclined my head slightly; how could I tell him that the taste of the sea will now always remind me of him, of the comfort and the care he gave me? I really can't without sounding like a sentimental fool.

As I made my way to the pool to bathe, Paine pulled me aside for a moment. She still seemed a bit distracted, but she did manage to ask me to show her how to make Nooj's pain pills next we have some leisure time. I promised I would, but, thinking on it, I'll take a route which will not take from the needed time with her lover; she seems to understand the basics of alchemy well, so I'll simply write out the basic instructions and I can slip them in amongst her supplies. I'm sure she'll find the paper in the morning and, if she has any questions, she can ask me about it. I'm sure she'll be fine and, this way, Nooj will have his relief, no matter what may happen.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'd be sure that the time since I slipped that paper into the bag containing Paine's unused spheres had been a dream, if it weren't for the thin cut along my thumb and the old leather sheath sitting against my thigh. It still doesn't feel or seem real, no matter how many times I replay the events to myself. Then I remember the warm look in Gippal's eye and the way he looked at me...

After I finished at the pool, I slipped the instructions for the painkillers into Paine's supplies and, that done, I went to find Gippal. I found him still by the fire, but he was hunched over, working on something. Sitting by him, I watched him brush a bit of dust and bone chips from what looked like a very pale, slightly curved knife and, when I asked him what it was, he told me that it was a gift for me. This surprised me into a slight blush, but it was worth it since it caused Gippal to offer me that same cute grin he always wears when I blush. I immediately tried to tell him that he didn't need to make gifts for me, but he just sheathed the knife then handed it over to me.

I had no idea what to do or to say, so I simply sat there and stared dumbly at the worn leather sheath. I tried to find words to thank him for the gift or any other way that I could express my gratitude, but the silence drug on for quite a while. Finally, Gippal filled it by telling me that the knife is called a chrysknife and that it was made from the tooth of the sandworm which he'd killed in the desert.

I could only stare when he told me that.

To think that he would not only give me the prize of his kill, but that he'd take the time to shape into so fine of a gift; I simply couldn't believe it. It was such a warm, kind gesture and the tooth was such a symbol of him, of his strength and his perseverance over the desert and its creatures, of his culture and his blood, of the most difficult part of our journey...yet he chose to give it to me.

I must have stared for a while since he got this embarrassed look about him and told me to knock it off, that it freaks him out when I stare at him like that; I guess he doesn't like unbridled admiration as much as I had thought? Regardless, I drew the knife so that I could look more closely at the blade, but my hands must have been shaking slightly; the blade was no sooner clear of the sheath then it traced a long, thin cut along the length of my thumb.

The blade was so sharp that it really didn't hurt at all and no sooner had my blood fallen on it than the milky white blade absorbed it. I was fascinated by how the chrysknife seemed to drink in the blood, but I was more fascinated--or perhaps shocked--when Gippal reached across and cut his own thumb on the section which had just cut me. Much as before, the blood was soaked in, but I couldn't stop staring at the area where it had just been.

It astounded me.

Our blood was now blended in the heart of the blade and would remain so until the chrysknife is broken...perhaps even longer. It was such a serious gesture and it formed such a deep, lasting bond; it was hard to believe that he would knowingly perform such an act for nothing more than a battle boy.

Reaching across, I took his bleeding hand with my own and, though I dreaded the answer, I couldn't keep the question from my lips; I finally asked him if I really was nothing more than a battle boy to him. He fell silent for quite a long while and I watched as a range of emotions traveled across his features, disbelief prime amongst them. I was just about to call back the question, to laugh and to tell him that I had only asked jokingly, when he finally told me that it wasn't true, that I wasn't just a battle boy to him.

Such relief flooded through me that I thought I would burst! I wanted to thank him for that, to tell him how glad this knowledge made me, but I couldn't find words; it was as if I had forgotten every word in every language I had ever learned, so I could only try to convey to him through my eyes how much it meant to me. I...think he understood. I think he knows that I love him, that I need him. He didn't flinch back from it, and I'm glad. Maybe the words aren't needed, after all...

I'm going to go thank him properly, now.

If this is really going to be our last night together, then I intend to make it a night Gippal will never forget.


	18. Chapter 18

197S9.9.25

It's a few hours before sunrise and Gippal has finally drifted off to sleep.

I...really don't want to leave him. I want to stay and to enjoy what may be our last few hours of peace, but there is something to which I must attend. If I hurry, I may be able to be back before the others wake or, at least, before our orders from the Maesters arrive.

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It took a little longer than I had expected, but at least Dani should be safe within Djose Temple before night falls. Unfortunately, I did not have enough time to guide him the entire way myself, but I trust that he'll make it under the eye of his new guard. Once in the Temple, he should be safe. They'll care for him and give him the attention he needs, unlike the Maesters who seem only too happy to condemn him to a death from which he cannot even defend himself. Maybe, under the priests' and healers' care, he'll even be able to return to himself, someday.

It was the best I could do for him; I only hope it was enough.

When I arrived back to camp, I found the others discussing the new orders and, though I tried to explain my absence by saying that I wanted to take an early bath, I'm not sure anyone believed me. The matter was soon dropped, though, as we moved to our next destination: the lower levels of Mushroom Rock Road. Apparently, this shadowy and cold labyrinth is where the final test will take place. I'm not really sure what they could have us face in such a place, but I wouldn't be entirely surprised to learn that they intend to line us up, a gun to each man, and have us shoot each other until we're all dead; it'd be no different from what they've had us do, so far, and it'd save them the trouble of formulating any more of their brilliant litle trials.

Ah, I refuse to even entertain these ideas, right now! I cannot think on such treachery when I have the warm body of my beloved at my side. He's typing on his odd little machina journal again. I still have no idea how he manages to operate it so well and, any time I watch him, I soon find myself simply mystified by how quickly and how deftly his fingers move over the keys; it's really almost hypnotising to watch, even if it brings to mind other talents of those long digits.

...I wonder what he'd do if I poked that big, long key...

Heh, Gippal really does have the foulest mouth I've ever encountered; I suppose I'll have to clean it for him, one way or another, before he has me cursing as fluently in two languages as he can. Maybe it would do me well to learn it, just as it would do me quite well to learn to actually use the chrysknife which he gave me the night before. He's reminded me about ten times that it's not as fragile as it looks, but it's not the sturdiness of the blade which worries me. I know that it's an incredibly foolish thing, but I don't want to use the chrysknife because I don't want any other blood on it--or in it--aside from Gippal's and my own. It's a foolish and sentimental thing but I don't know if I can bring myself to draw it against an enemy.

Hm, I've gotten so involved in writing--as well as in keeping Gippal from stealing my pen--that I didn't even notice when Paine came to join us. It must not have been too long ago, since it seems as if she's just settling in to start writing in her own journal. Really, I'm surprised that she's not sitting with Nooj, but I suppose they need privacy to be able to translate their thoughts to the page; I cannot blame them. I know I keep getting distracted by Gippal's presence, but I guess I'm thankful for any distractions he can give me.

I just hope that Paine managed to get those instructions I left her, but, from the slight nod she just gave me, she must have. I'm quite glad. I know that she'll be able to take good care of Nooj and that he'll take good care of her; it makes me feel a bit calmer to know that they'll both be in good hands, even if all four of us cannot stay together when this ends. Maybe, in each other, they can find a good reason to continue living in the coming Calm.

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This is it.

It's time.

197S9.9.26

I...know nothing.

Everything I ever trusted...everything I ever believed...every fact I ever held within my heart...they're all gone from me, now. I cannot even trust myself: my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own _emotions _are no longer steady fact.

Am I still me?

Is this still Baralai?

I...don't know.

I know...nothing.

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We've been running for what feels like hours.

We've finally found someplace where we can probably rest safely for a few hours.

Nooj seems to need the rest. I imagine we all do, as well.

I should try to go help Paine with him. He seems to be in shock from...whatever happened in the cave. But I can't trust myself. I'd kill him. There's...no doubt in me. I shouldn't go near him. Not now. I should not be near any of them. I...can't be near any of them. I...just can't.

Maybe I could lead the warrior monks away from them. It'd be redemption.

...but it wouldn't. It would only be a way to buy them time. To give them time to run before the monks shot me down and went back to hunting them.

All this because of that...whatever it was?

The cave.

All because of the cave.

It was to be nothing but an observational mission. Go in. Watch. Don't kill it.

Easy.

Hahaha.

They had to scuffle for weapons. We had our own.

We went in. There were pyreflies. Everywhere. The most I've ever seen in one place. The air was thick with them and their mournful cries. It was the only light.

Until they started firing.

Everyone. They shot wildly into the air. The walls. The ground. The darkness.

Each other.

They shot each other. Bodies. Everywhere. More pyreflies. More screaming. We were unharmed, somehow. We moved deeper, away from those who were shooting wildly. We were soon alone. Except for the damned pyreflies.

They swarmed. And formed shapes. Like a large, hulking, growling beast. Then like a shadowed man. They rushed for the nearest man.

Gippal ducked.

Nooj had no chance. He was surrounded. They...entered him. They took him. I..tried to wave them away, but they would not be banished. Nooj, he screamed. Gippal and I called for him, but he couldn't hear nor answer. After a while, he stood.

He pointed his gun at my forehead.

He meant to kill me. I could see it in his eyes. He had every intention of putting a bullet through my brain and I just knelt there, willing to let it happen. I could do nothing. I couldn't move. I could only just kneel there and wait for the man I respected more than anyone in the world to finally kill me.

But he never got the chance.

Gippal picked up a gun. He aimed it at Nooj's temple. He, too, had every intention of killing; it was clear in his eye. He would have killed Nooj to save me.

How did I repay this?

By taking up my own gun and pointing it at Gippal.

I pointed my gun at him. I meant to kill him. The rush of my blood seemed to demand it. I was so angry. So scared. So sad. Everything seemed so futile. This death--this shared death among the three of us--seemed the only solution to every problem that ever existed. If we died together in this cave, then we didn't have to worry about being apart. We'd never be apart. We'd be together in the darkness with the pyreflies to keep us company.

I...don't know what happened after that. I remember the three of us screaming, our voices blending to one note.

...it was Paine that broke the spell. She called to us. Yelled at us. Told us to stop it. Because of her, we lived. When we came around again, we drug Nooj from the cave, but, before we could do anything for him, we were called to give our report.

We spoke as best we could, described it as best we could, but the Maester doubted us. I could see it. He didn't believe us. Yet he told us we passed. We made it. We were members of the Crimson Squad. Because we survived. Gippal and I only had the time to exchange smiles before they...

They shot at us! They wanted to kill us!

...they still do.

...maybe it's okay. Maybe it's for the best. How can I continue to live, anyway, if I was willing to turn my gun on my beloved, on the man who means everything to me? I...I would have shot him. Killed him. His blood would have been on me. On my hands.

I...I can't be near him! Near any of them! I'll kill them! This gun...this knife...I...I just...I just can't have them...I...I can't...


	19. Chapter 19

197S9.9.26

I'm not entirely sure that the timestamp on the last few entries has been correct, but I suppose it doesn't make that much difference; time really loses much of its meaning when you're spending your days doing nothing but trying to survive.

I...still don't understand any of it.

I don't know what was in that cave to make us act like that and I don't know why the priests chose to fire on us after our report. Any connections I can make between the events are absurd and painful, but...they could be truth.

Truth...heh. That whole idea's been turned entirely on its head, hasn't it? Truth in Yevon...truth in Bevelle...truth in myself...there's no meaning to it, anymore. It's all been nothing but lies and no one's been willing or able to see it. So many lives built on--and lost to!--these lies. Everything we fought for, believed in, shouted to the crowds...lies. My whole life, my whole reason for existing...

It doesn't matter, does it? I should have been dead in that cave with whatever that apparition might have been and yet I'm still allowed to walk with the three people who are my world. It isn't right that we four survived and so many scores of men fell. It isn't right that the priests are hunting us because we were lucky enough to be pulled from death by Paine's hand. It isn't right that they're trying to cover over so many secrets, not least among them whatever it was that overtook us in the cave, and something must be done for it.

...it wouldn't be difficult. I've already kept my distance from the rest of them. They likely wouldn't notice until it was time to start running again and, by then, I could be a fair distance. They might not even bother to look, as they know they need to keep moving if they want to be safe...and they know that I'm not to be trusted. I have Yevon's taint, so I should return...and so I should be distant before it spreads to stain them irreversibly. I cannot let that happen. I cannot let Yevon stain the bright spirit in Gippal's eye. I cannot let it stain and drain Paine's determination and her love for Nooj. I cannot let it draw Nooj deeper into the quagmire of himself. The best means to accomplishing this would be to flee them before they become contaminated. Maybe, from a distance, I may be able to do something to aid them or, if not, to at least show the true face of Yevon and his servants to Spira.

I don't think I could go back to Bevelle, directly, as those who were involved in this would doubtlessly recognize me and I rather doubt I'd have a warm welcome waiting me, regardless. If not there, then I could try Guadosalam. I hear the newer of the Maesters keeps himself there and there are many rumors of his disagreements with the others in Yevon's ranks; perhaps I could find some manner of agreement with the man. They say every Maester has his price, so I only need to find what draws and drives this one. It shouldn't be too difficult and, through him, I can refind my path to Bevelle as well as its greater secrets.

...I write all this as if it would be so easy, but, even with what has happened, I don't want to leave them. I know that I can't trust myself around them and I know that I'm a danger, but...I still don't want to be apart from them. I guess it's just time to...to grow up and to accept that we must sometimes give up the things we love most, for the greater good. It's not as if I'm vital to them, anyway. Paine and Nooj have come to support each other perfectly and Paine now knows every bit of knowledge necessary to keep Nooj in relative comfort; she's been doing it all on her own, this long, so there's really no reason to worry about that. She can likely even draw Nooj from his current mood without any real trouble and Nooj can guide the three of them to some manner of safety. Gippal...

...Gippal.

I don't know if I can bring myself to leave him, regardless of how scared I am of hurting him. I'd like nothing more than to believe him when he tells me that everything is alright, but...I just can't. I don't think anything will ever be alright again. How can it when I can't even bring myself to look Gippal in the eye, let alone to touch him? I love him so much, but...I'm so scared. I've already held a gun to his temple with every intention of firing; how can I trust that, the next it happens, someone'll be there to pull me back, since I clearly can't control myself? I used to be so scared of being separate from them...and now I'm so afraid of being too close to them. This is the great power of Yevon and its servants.

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One more day.

I'll give myself one more day to fully say goodbye to them and to make the break complete. I just need to see their faces and hear their voices a little longer and I can leave them without trouble, I promise...


	20. Chapter 20

197S9.9.27

I'll stay as far as the Travel Agency; it seems the plan is to separate once we get there, anyway, so I won't have to worry about hiding my intentions.

I just hope that we all manage to make the path to the Agency.

Everyone seems so worn--both in body and in spirit--and it worries me deeply. Is this the same group who came victorious through the sands of Bikanel? That group seems dead and in their place we stand, careworn and half-dead on our feet. It pains me to see this, to see the stress on these faces so dear to me, but I suppose it won't be a worry for too much longer.

It still hurts so much to think on it. I try to tell myself that I'm resigned to the idea that we must now separate from each other, but, everytime I think on how it will be, I find a fresh swelling of pain, as if I'm tearing out sutures too fresh to have healed. We had promised that we'd be together! _We promised_! What happened to that? What happened to swearing to unite under Nooj's banner and giving our fealty to him alone? What happened to all the promises and oaths we swore along the way?

...I suppose they, too, died in that cave.

It's so childish, but I want that back. Even if it comes with the pain of struggling through the darker depths of the Farplane, I want to again taste the pleasure of something I never before had. I don't want to give up the things which I'd been denied so long.

...I'm being foolish, childish.

I'm eighteen. I'm an adult. I must put away the vestiges of childhood and walk as a man. If it means setting aside such things as companionship, love, family, what of it? These are small things and there are greater tasks before me.

There is no place for love in revolution.

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I don't understand Gippal.

Even after all that happened, he claims that he forgives me and that he knows it wasn't my fault...and he's being completely sincere about it; I can see as much in his eye. He still lays with me and takes me. He still smiles at me and tries to cheer me. He still works himself to the bone trying to save me.

_Why?_

Doesn't he see what happened? Doesn't he know that it could happen again? Isn't he afraid? Isn't he wary?

...he seems not to be. He seems to have all the faith, all the affection in the world for me...and I can't understand it.

I love him so much. I need him so much, but...I'm so afraid. I don't know what would happen, what I would do if I ever hurt him, and the simple thought of it is enough to reduce me to tears. It's so easy to place the blame on whatever was in that cave, but should not personal responsibility stand?

...I want to blame them, the priests, the Maesters, Yevon itself. I want to think that it's nothing more than Yevon pulling away from me the family--the father and the older sister--and the lover I always needed but could never have. I want to believe that it is no more than the further upheaval of everything I ever thought I knew, but...would it be right?

I just don't know.

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I've...never experienced anything such as that.

Gippal was so gentle, so loving. His touch drew out so much and the expression in his eye when he glanced to me was enough to still my fears. It...I have no words for it. It was not sex--or even the rougher fucking, to use the vulgar--it was...love. That is all that can be said of it. It was an act of love, of compassion, of sharing. In that moment, in those high grasses, we shared something more than ever before; we truly shared and joined ourselves, even more truly and more deeply than the blood we mixed within the blade of the chrysknife. I cannot explain it, but it was enough to still those fears and quiet the doubts which had haunted me ever since we entered that damnable cave. In his arms and in his eye, I found and saw the truth. In him, I found strength.

...I...I cried a bit afterward. My face to his shoulder, I let the tears drain from my eyes, but it was far different from the last time I cried after laying with him. These tears were not of shame nor of guilt; these were tears of joy, of gratitude, of love, of relief. I let these fall on Gippal as kissed his brow, his eye, his eyepatch, his mouth, every single feature I could reach with my lips and the tears washed him as baptismal waters.

I...can trust him. I can trust _myself_. It will be alright. I don't have to leave him and, though we must part with Paine and Nooj, we will all meet again, on this road. We are bound, we four. We have great paths ahead of us and, though they are rough, they will always lead us back to each other.

_We are bound. _

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We're going to have to say goodbye, soon.

Nooj decided to give us a bit of time to rest before we part ways, but the time is growing late and I know that, soon enough, we'll all be standing together for the last time.

How do you say goodbye to the people who have become as your family? How do you thank them for all they've given you?

I...don't have answers for that. I don't know how to show my appreciation to them.

I don't know if I can ever thank Nooj for shaping me into the semblance of a man, for giving me the strength, the poise, and the confidence I may never have known had I not had the fortune to meet him. I have already sworn my allegiance and my fealty to him, but I would also offer my faith and my love; he is more a father to me than the man who helped to bear me and he holds far more esteem in my life than any man I've ever known. I would be honored if he would allow me to serve under him and perhaps the day will come when that will happen.

I don't know if I can ever thank Paine for being such a source of comfort and understanding. She was the first of the three to whom I bonded and I still feel so close to her. She taught me so much and, in turn, I like to think that I was able to teach her, a little. She's given me such support and such quiet security...I cannot repay any of it, so I'll only hope that she and Nooj find their happiness in each other and that they find time to enjoy the quiet pleasure of each other without interruption.

...and Gippal.

Gippal...how do you thank the man who gave you yourself? How do you thank a man who supported you and had faith even when your own wavered? I'll never have enough words to thank him, no matter how many tongues I may learn. I'll never have enough to repay him all he's done. All I can do is give him myself and my complete...

...what is that on the...

..._shooting star_.

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_This is the last written page of this journal. _


End file.
